The (not so) ideal man

So, I was now officially a member of the online dating world.  Time to explore who was out their awaiting me and me them.

I took some time to take a few 'hold the iPhone at arms length' pictures to add to my profile.  I didn't realize that all pictures have to be approved by 'someone who monitors the site,' before my pics would show up.  Before the pictures were approved, there were men sending messages requesting photos.  I guess I didn't do such a bad job describing myself after all, huh?  

With pictures posted and approved, I now set out to plug in some search parameters and see who would be a good match.  Remember all those multiple choice questions that I had to select from in creating my profile?  Well, now I could decide which of those qualities I would want in a match. 

Some of the choices I made were:  Ht 5'11 to over 7' (I like tall men so I can wear my high heels and still not be looking eye to eye), someone within 50 mile radius of my location (that at least gets me to Kansas City), non-smoker, non- or social drinker, OK if they have children (really wouldn't be fair to knock someone out of the running over child(ren) since I am expecting they will also accept my child), body type of 'slim' to 'a few extra pounds,' for hair color I selected all except 'bald'  (I do like my man with hair), etc., etc., etc.  I figured, if I were dreaming, I might as well make him a tall, dark, handsome, rich and committed Christian.  I mean, why not?  I knew I could always change the parameters later if no one showed up on the list. 

So I hit the send button and to my astonishment......this man who lives in my very own town showed up as my most likely match.  Oh, WOW!  This was NOT what I was expecting.  In fact, I was horrified!  The man staring back at me from my computer screen was no other than a man that I KNEW  had molested a child!!!!  I was AGHAST!  It quickly dawned on me, if I could see that he was on here looking for a date, then he could see I was on here as well.  If this man, with his dirty, little secrete was on ChristianMingle.com, how could I trust any of the men whose faces were staring at me, saying they were a good match.  I began looking for the delete button and I promptly removed my profile.  Wow, all that work (that I should have been putting into a school project?) vaporized in a moment of reality.  

Well, that was certainly not how I had envisioned my first online dating experience to be.  Over before it even started.  I began to wonder if this really was the best option for me.  Surely there had to be a better, safer way to meet men to date.  Clearly I need to do a little more research before I proceeded down the online dating path.   

A Delay

At about the sixth month mark following 'the life altering event' that led me to entertaining thoughts of remarriage, I was anxiously awaiting the first year to be over so I could start dating.  Never mind that at six months there were still days that I couldn't stop crying. This occurred most the day on some days, and happened more regularly than I wanted to acknowledge.  Just think how fun I would have been as a dating partner at that point?  Six months into widowhood was obviously not long enough for me to have adequately grieved nor to have allowed my daughter the time she needed.

So waiting for a year to be up before heading into the dating scene, was really one of the best pieces of advice that I received AND chose to follow.

Then that first anniversary that I couldn't wait to come and dreaded all at the same time, finally arrived.

My daughter and I spent the days prior to and on the anniversary of his death coming back from a mission trip to Taiwan.  [Incidentally, it was 5 days after a trip to Taiwan the previous year that my husband died of a Pulmonary Embolism.  Returning to Taiwan was a bittersweet reminder of that event but also served as a chance for my daughter and me to show ourselves that WE were capable of making a trip like this together.  I am truly thankful for all the spiritual support we had on that trip.]




The trip came while I was on a short break from my newest, latest escape from reality--graduate school.  (It dawned on me one day that I tend to dive into school when I am feeling overwhelmed with life.  How crazy is that!?!)  I had just completed my first summer semester and was headed into the first Fall semester of a Master's of Science in Nursing degree.  I quickly learned that the first Fall semester is the 'weeding' semester, so I had NO time to even think about anything but Advanced Nursing Assessment, Diagnostic Reasoning, Pathophysiology and some other class I can't even remember now.  That was the craziest, most insane four months of my entire life!
[Let me just insert right here, that the death of my husband/her father qualifies as THE WORST event EVER in my life.  Nothing else even comes close as a comparison.  So let's just put it in its own category and all the other comparisons I make from here on out are against everything else in my life, but not the death! Deal.]

So my first, actual, serious thoughts about dating didn't occur until I was well past the 18 month mark.  It is amazing how God orchestrates our lives, often saving us from ourselves.  Also, I think at that point, my daughter thought she was not going to have to deal with her mother's escapade into dating.  Little did she know, my determination would rear its ugly head well before the second year was up.

The Decision

Prior to 'the event' that changed my world from being a happily married woman to a grieving widow, I never thought once about what dating in the 21st century would be like.

Fortunately, my late husband and I were not afraid to talk about those usually difficult subjects, such as, 'what if you die?' or 'what if I die?'  We had both agreed having someone else to share and enjoy the remainder of our years together would be what we would want for the other.  Because we did have those conversations (on numerous occasions through the years) it didn't feel awkward when I began having thoughts of remarriage after his death.  Naturally, with thoughts of remarriage came thoughts of dating.

Contemplating dating brought with it many decisions.  The first of those decisions was the timing.  When would be a good time to start the process.

When?  I knew from past life experiences, watching friends, and grief support groups that I should not even begin to consider dating until I had given myself at least a year to grieve.  So, as much as my heart (at times) lead me to thinking about filling that empty void with a romantic relationship, I decided to postpone dating until after the first anniversary of his death.  And boy am I ever glad I made that all important decision!

Little did I know how complicated and adventurous, all intertwined into one, dating in the 21st century could be.