The Actor (Act 2)

So, on Monday, I made a decision to have a subsequent date with the Actor (see previous post) and I let him know.  He originally suggested Friday night and I agreed.  Later that evening, he sent an email saying that Friday seemed a long way off, and would I be able to go out a little sooner?  He mentioned the possibility of two places including two dates and times.  While both of the restaurants looked inviting, I had a huge school project that I needed to complete before class on Thursday evening and just couldn't make any plans for sooner than Friday.  He emailed back that he understood and would plan a date for Friday.

On Wednesday, the Actor texted me saying he wanted to talk to me whenever it was convenient.  I took a break from my studies and called him.  He told me he had something he wanted to tell me and then something he wanted to ask.  The Actor said he wanted to make me aware of the fact that he was developing cold-like symptoms and just wanted me to know in the event that the symptoms got worse, he didn't want to have to call me at the last minute and I be shocked that we couldn't go out.  I told him I appreciated his concern and hoped that the cold didn't progress into anything that would keep us from enjoying a second date, but would understand if things changed and he couldn't go out.

The Actor then said he hated to even ask me his question owing to the fact that I had made it very clear that I was a true Southern lady who doesn't even mow her own lawn (an entertaining and interesting story I will have to share with you, my blog readers, at some point), but he was going to ask anyway.  Now, when someone makes that much effort to preface their question, you know you are probably not going to like the question, but for the life of me I couldn't imagine what he was going to ask.  So he stumbled and stuttered out his question.  "Are we going to each pay our own way on this date, or were you expecting me to pay it all?"  Let me just say, I am pretty sure my stunned silence answered his question, but I could tell he was not going to let me get by without verbally answering.  So.  I slowly answered his question with the statement, "ALL of the other men I have been out with have always paid for the dates.  I really haven't ever considered that I would pay for a DATE."

Now, what is running through my mind at lightening speed were some of the following thoughts:  I had just had a discussion with my 16 year old daughter prior to her first date with a 16 year old young man that she should expect that her date values her enough to pay her way when they go out.  What on earth would give this 62 year old man that I met on a DATING website the impression that I would in any way think that we were "just friends" each paying our own way?  Even when I go out with friends, one or the other of us often picks up the entire tab.  WOW!  This was different, new and crazy.

At the same time I am having these confusing thoughts, I realize that he is telling me something.  Giving me an explanation for his crazy question, I realize.  Here is what I caught of what he was saying.  "I didn't think you would expect anything other than for me to pay, I just wanted to make sure I had budgeted enough money for the event I was planning for us on Friday."  Really?!?, I'm thinking.  A man who drives a BMW, owns a Moto Guzzi and had just a few days prior told me that he was flying his granddaughters up from Texas to go to a Chief's game one week-end, and that he had received this windfall from his motorcycle settlement for pain and suffering would need to budget for a date that he had already invited me on and was in charge of what the date would cost?  Really?!?  Just to be clear, I ALWAYS make it known to potential dates that a visit to the FREE art museum in the city closest to me (less than a few miles from where the Actor lives) is a GREAT option for a first (or subsequent) date to me.  Meandering around a museum with art is seriously my idea of a really fun date.  So if he was worried about his finances, he certainly could have impressed me with a date that cost him NOTHING and saved us both the awkward moment.  

Apparently, the Actor was thinking about getting tickets to a musical that was in town that had received rave reviews.  But the tickets were....get this....$25 a piece.  Oh my!  And he needed to budget for them if he was going to have to pay for them both.  He mumbled something about how some women insist on paying their own way and he didn't want to offend me if I was one of those women (never mind he offended my Southern roots by asking if I was expecting him to pay).   It was at that moment when it occurred to me that he really didn't have any intention of taking me on this date.  He had covered his bases by informing me that he had a "cold."  A situation that could get better or worse depending on if I were willing to pay my way or not.  Now that was a clever trick, but not in a way that was positive toward winning over a date.

So we ended the conversation with him saying that he would keep me informed about his "cold" and would let me know how things were going closer to the date on Friday.  I went ahead and took him off the calendar for Friday, in the event someone else contacted me and wanted to know a day that I was available.  And sure enough, through text over the next two days, he got amazingly sicker and sicker to the point that he was sure he had the flu.  Being the nurse that I am, and also enjoying making people "work" to weasel out of a situation, I texted him with advice on how to shorten the course of "flu" by encouraging him to see his Primary Care Provider to be tested for the flu and get an anti-viral as soon as possible.  I also offered to bring him some soup (he had given me his address to give to family so I would feel "safe" on a date with him) that he declined as he didn't want me to catch what he had.  An excuse that was quite funny to me, considering that I live in the land of "cooties" as patients literally bring me their illnesses daily.  I'm quite immune.  

Late Thursday, after I kept texting asking how he was off and on through the day, he sent a final text that said he would text me when he was "back to normal." I chuckled as I realized that he was much too far away from "normal" to ever find his way "back."

Proverbs 10:23

A fool finds pleasure in wicked schemes, but a person of understanding delights in wisdom.

The (not so) ideal man

So, I was now officially a member of the online dating world.  Time to explore who was out their awaiting me and me them.

I took some time to take a few 'hold the iPhone at arms length' pictures to add to my profile.  I didn't realize that all pictures have to be approved by 'someone who monitors the site,' before my pics would show up.  Before the pictures were approved, there were men sending messages requesting photos.  I guess I didn't do such a bad job describing myself after all, huh?  

With pictures posted and approved, I now set out to plug in some search parameters and see who would be a good match.  Remember all those multiple choice questions that I had to select from in creating my profile?  Well, now I could decide which of those qualities I would want in a match. 

Some of the choices I made were:  Ht 5'11 to over 7' (I like tall men so I can wear my high heels and still not be looking eye to eye), someone within 50 mile radius of my location (that at least gets me to Kansas City), non-smoker, non- or social drinker, OK if they have children (really wouldn't be fair to knock someone out of the running over child(ren) since I am expecting they will also accept my child), body type of 'slim' to 'a few extra pounds,' for hair color I selected all except 'bald'  (I do like my man with hair), etc., etc., etc.  I figured, if I were dreaming, I might as well make him a tall, dark, handsome, rich and committed Christian.  I mean, why not?  I knew I could always change the parameters later if no one showed up on the list. 

So I hit the send button and to my astonishment......this man who lives in my very own town showed up as my most likely match.  Oh, WOW!  This was NOT what I was expecting.  In fact, I was horrified!  The man staring back at me from my computer screen was no other than a man that I KNEW  had molested a child!!!!  I was AGHAST!  It quickly dawned on me, if I could see that he was on here looking for a date, then he could see I was on here as well.  If this man, with his dirty, little secrete was on ChristianMingle.com, how could I trust any of the men whose faces were staring at me, saying they were a good match.  I began looking for the delete button and I promptly removed my profile.  Wow, all that work (that I should have been putting into a school project?) vaporized in a moment of reality.  

Well, that was certainly not how I had envisioned my first online dating experience to be.  Over before it even started.  I began to wonder if this really was the best option for me.  Surely there had to be a better, safer way to meet men to date.  Clearly I need to do a little more research before I proceeded down the online dating path.   

Options (continued)

After deciding what options were NOT good for finding a date, I began thinking about what WOULD be a good option.  My thoughts turned to a new friend that I had recently met at the clinic I was working in. A few weeks prior, I went to a wedding shower for her and it was there that I discovered she met her husband-to-be on ChristianMingle.com.  I decided that maybe online dating would be a good option for me as well.

So, on that random Saturday, while working on a school project, I took a short break from my studies and typed the words ChristianMingle.com into my web browser.  There was the offer to join for free.  So I started typing.  There was a combination of questions regarding email address, user name, password, birthdate, Name, Zip Code.  The requested information gradually became more personal.   Height?  Surprisingly no question about weight, but had to choose your body type, such as 'Athletic' 'Slim' 'Average' 'A few extra pounds,' etc.  I began to see where people could easily mis-identify themselves.  Who of us doesn't want to believe we are skinnier or richer than we really are? Then the question of income range (yet another opportunity to deceive).  Singleness status? Such as 'Never Married' 'Divorced' 'Widowed' Occupation?  Do you have children?  Do they live at home? I kept typing or checking off boxes.  Why type of church did you grow up in?  What type of church do you attend now?  What type of ministry are you involved in?  How do you define yourself as a Christian?  This was interesting.  There were choices such as 'It defines who I am' to 'I am trying to decide.'  What?  I thought this was a place Christians came to mingle?  This did not make sense.  But I made my choice (It defines who I am) and moved on.  The question about how often you attend church was just as disturbing.  From 'Weekly' to 'Never'.  Hummm?

Next came the all important 'Who am I and what am I looking for' paragraph.  Wow.  How exactly does one tell potential dates who they are and what they are like in a few hundred characters?  That is at least as difficult if not more difficult than describing what you are looking for in a potential date.  [At this point I am wondering why I thought this would be a good break/distraction from my school project!]

The final part is submitting some photos of yourself.  Well, now.  I am usually the one behind the camera, so not too many (dare I say, not ANY that are flattering) pics of myself to post.  When you try to skip this part, you get a warning that people do not look at profiles if you don't have a picture posted.  I'm sure that is true.  But I certainly didn't want unflattering pictures of me posted.  So I began plotting how I was going to get some good current photos of myself, without letting anyone know that I had signed up for online dating.

So far, this online option was my secret.  A place to escape to so I could quietly find the Christian man of my dreams.  I really couldn't wait to surprise my family and friends with the story of the date-of-my-dreams that I had just taken the time to define!  What could there be about this new adventure that wouldn't be fun?