The Unlikely Widowers

After the experience with "The Professional" and one more date through the Matchmaking Service that I haven't talked about yet (but will--he was an interesting guy),  I decided to give online dating a second try.  My thoughts were that I could probably pick a better potential mate on my own, than one the Matchmaking Service could find for me (considering their record).  So while on an extended vacation (extended because I had to have an engine replaced in my car while on vacation--that was fun!), I went back online and found a few different online sites to try besides ChristianMingle.com.  I signed up for several.  If one was good, several would have to be better, right?

The site that I have received the most responses from potential dates has ben Match.com.  In only 3 months I have met in person, four men.  Two of those I had several dates with before deciding they were not for me and have had texting and phone conversations with at least that many more besides the ones I met. They have all been unique interactions and quite interesting to talk with.

There is a curious group of men that I have encountered on these online sites that I refer to as The Unlikely Widowers. It took an encounter or two with them before I was able to spot them for what they are not--A True Widower.

Being a widow at fifty is a unique place to be in life.  It is a relatively exclusive and narrow club (thankfully!).  There is a certain reverence that even I feel for someone who has lost a mate to death versus divorce.  There is an understanding that when a young widow or widower is looking for a date, they have traversed a very distinct life experience at a much younger age than most.

Apparently, there are some men (although I'm not convinced they are always men) who like to pose as a Widower on dating sites in order to take advantage of just those venerable feelings mentioned above.  I was caught off guard with the first encounter.  But have come to an awareness of key components in their profiles that give me a hunch they are not legitimate.  Just when I think I won't fall for one again....I do.  I just did it again last night.  But at least now, I can cut off contact before I waste too much time.

Here are some keys to spotting the Unlikely Widowers.

Clues in their profile:  Their profile states they are widowers.  They usually are the most handsome dudes in your matches for the week.  They usually only have one picture in their profile (although some have 2 and one had 3).  They usually have a child or children they say they are very devoted to (not unusual in the profiles but it is what they do/say later that gives you more clues this is bogus).  Their profiles are usually written in pretty good English (which is no big deal until later contact gives other clues) OR the profile has a mixture of good English and broken English (you know, the kind that only people who's English is their second language can duplicate--tenses and word order errors--no offense to those who English is a second language, I have a great deal of respect for you--but hopefully you are not posing to be someone you are not).  Many do not put their punctuation next to the their words.  I will show you what I mean with this sentence .  See how the punctuation is not next to the word ?  It drives me crazy .  They usually report a fairly decent income (usually $75,000 to over $150,000).  Their job usually involves travel; especially travel to distant time zones.

Clues in their correspondence:  They email you and flatter you by saying how drop dead gorgeous you are and how they were amazed with your profile.  OK, now that may be true [insert a wink BIG GRIN here], but it is the thick flattery in an initial email that is the give away.  They can't get you off their mind.  They request, either in their profile or in the Match.com email they send you that they want  to get to know you right away and they either send you their phone number or request that you set up a chat so it will be "easier to talk."  They fail to ever mention those children that they are so devoted to and often downplay any questions you ask about their children.  They are usually on a business trip (to South Africa, or such) when they contact you.  Their English abilities will go from being fairly good, to very broken within the course of a few hours of texting.

I have never stayed in contact with these Unlikely Widowers for more than a day (maybe 48 hours with the first one).  The first Unlikely Widower was supposedly from Florida and was on a business trip in South Africa.  I asked him about where his children were while he was on his trip and he said they were old enough to be on their own.  At one point, I realized that if he were texting me at the time he was (10 PM my time, as I recall), that it had to be 3 AM in South Africa.  So I tell how I can't believe he is texting me when it is 3 AM where he is.  He gets confused (thinking it was 3 AM my time) and stops texting.  But then the next morning at 3 AM my time I get a text from him. Thankfully I put my phone on silent at night otherwise I would have been more than a little upset!  It was obvious he was not aware of the time difference (as he would have been if he actually lived in Florida).   I stop texting him at that point and after a few texts asking if I was going to talk to him any more (that I didn't respond to) he stops contacting me.  His texts were the first that I noticed the major inconsistencies in English ability.

A second Unlikely Widower that I had contact with, asked me about my "ex" after I told him I was a widow and he says he was a widower.  That was another BIG clue that he really was not a widow.  NO widow(er) that I have ever met has referred to their late spouse as an "ex"--that is just WRONG.

While I have never maintained contact for very long, I have read in the warnings for online dating websites that there are men who want to quickly get off of the online dating site because they are con artists and will befriend women and then ask for money to be sent to their account for some sad story such as a child that needs surgery and their money (all that gobs of money they report making) is tied up.  Apparently they ask for your bank info so they can pay you back or some non-sense.

There have been a few who I really couldn't tell if they were for real or not.  My philosophy has been:  If in doubt, they are out!  Better safe than sorry.  Although for the LIFE of me, I can NOT figure out why a woman would give them money or account info.

As we learned from our Pastor a few weeks ago....it takes the wisdom that we can only get from God's Word to discern those who are leading us toward danger.

Below is a verse from one of the chapters he talked about.  To hear/see the whole sermon go to Heart of Life or the direct link to the sermon idk? sermon series--choose 11/10/13 Enjoy!

Proverbs 2:12-15

New International Version (NIV)

Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
    from men whose words are perverse,
who have left the straight paths
    to walk in dark ways,
who delight in doing wrong
    and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
whose paths are crooked
    and who are devious in their ways.

The Professional

So the first date was over and as instructed by the Matchmaking Service I called them to give my feedback regarding the match.  They asked me to give three things I liked about the match and three ways I would like the next match to be different.  One criteria I mentioned I would prefer was that the next match be a professional (doctor, lawyer, nurse, pharmacist, engineer, attorney, accountant, CEO, CFO, etc).  After giving feedback, I waited four weeks; then the Service called with my next match.

When the Service called they told me my next match was a 6'0" tall Christian, a professional (I didn't ask WHAT profession, but I should have!) and he likes to travel.  Four of my top priorities.  I am hopeful.

My second date's name is Gary (also my brother's name) and he called shortly after I finished speaking with the Service.  It was about 8 PM.  I was in the middle of a school project but took the call as I knew it would only take about five minutes to set our date, per Matchmaker service guidelines.  Boy, was that a mistaken assumption!

I quickly realized he was a talker.  Immediately he mentioned the town that I live in (info given to him by the Matchmaking Service) and said he knew EXACTLY where it was.  Then he said, "as a matter of fact, I am driving by your town RIGHT now."  Hummm, creepy.  I found out he WAS in fact a professional.  A professional truck driver that is.  There seemed to be a disconnect between what I told the service I was looking for and this match. He explained he was on a haul to Arkansas and would be coming back through in the morning.  He told me all about his divorce, ex-wife, children, that his daughter is a nurse (like I am), how his dad died (with a piece of food in his mouth--I am not kidding!  I don't make this stuff up!), how many siblings he has, why he chose truck driving over staying at the dairy farm, etc, etc.

Anytime he asked me a question, it was obvious that it was for the sole purpose of either buying time to think of something else to say, or to add a new thought to the conversation so he could have something to talk about.  One question he asked me was if I had any siblings.  I told him that I did.  My two sisters lived in and around Baton Rouge.  I had a brother that lived in Dallas and a second brother that was a missionary in Rwanda.  He immediately replied,  "Hummm, I have been to ALL of those places."   I am feeling somewhat impressed as I have not even been to Rwanda.  "I was in a truck stop in all of those places, except that last one you said."  I think, all except the last one, because I'm pretty sure you don't even know where it is!

He asked about my work.  Wanted to know where. When I was working next (which I did not tell him!).  If I lived in town or outside of town (again I don't answer this).

He gets a brilliant idea.  Why don't we meet up in the morning at the hospital where I work (as he assumed I was working the next day?!?) as he is coming back home from his haul?  Perfect, right?  No.  That won't work for me I tell him.  Then he realizes he will be in his big rig and he probably won't have anywhere to park it, anyway.  Then he thinks that maybe it would be a good idea if, when we do meet, we eat at a restaurant in my town so that when we get finished, if we still want to talk, we go back to my place.  Is he kidding me?  I absolutely insist that there are NO good restaurants in my town.  And besides, I like to get out of town when I go out for an evening.  Get out as far away from my house as I can so people like you cannot figure out where I live and make a surprise visit, I think.

Twenty-one minutes later (but who was keeping time, right?), which is sixteen minutes longer than the Matchmaking Service states we are to talk on that first phone call (I tend toward following the rules), he said to me that "we will pick a date and time for our first meeting later!"  WHAT?!?  I have endured all of this and we still do not have a date set?

And if I thought it couldn't get any worse, well it does.  Before we hang up (at my prompting) he tells me, "I can tell I am going to like you already." REALLY?!?  I can only guess it is because I am a good listener, because other than knowing the three places my family lives, he didn't know squat about me!

There was just something wrong about this encounter.  Wrong on so many levels.  I decided to wait until the next week to do anything about the situation as it was a holiday weekend coming up and I was going out of town.  While on vacation, I am encouraged by my family to call the Matchmaking Service and report him and tell the service I am not going out with him.

I come back into town with a renewed determination to just get this date over with.  I text him suggesting a place to meet in a town 30 miles away and offer three possible times.  He texts back that he is getting ready to leave on a haul and would I please call him back tomorrow.  ACK!  Can we please get this over with?  Later that evening, much later, like between 11 PM and midnight, he sends me a text.  Would I want him to pick me up on his way past my house, take me to Arkansas on a haul with him and bring me back the next morning?  Seriously????  I don't even know his last name, what he looks like or ANYTHING (except useless trivia) about him.  I reply,  "No. I am studying."  EGADS!!!  That is it.  Now I know I will not go out with him.  At. All.

I call the Matchmaking Service the next morning and report his behavior.  The matchmaker has to confer with a supervisor and then comes back and tells me I will have to let Greg know that I don't want to go out with him.  So, I do.  I send a text saying it was offensive that he would even ask me to go overnight with him to Arkansas when I didn't even know him and I had contacted the Service and they wanted him to call them.  There.  It was back on them.  He texts me back saying how he didn't mean anything by it and could we still go out.  Then he calls me and leaves a voicemail saying if I still want to go out he would be glad to take me.   Blah, Blah, Blah.   I ignore all contact and thankfully he disappears.

There was some apprehension on my part for a while as I had the thought, "What if he were a stalker?"  I did notify local friends in the area so they would be aware.  Thankfully, nothing ever came of it.

One thing this encounter taught me, was the importance of letting friends and family know what is going on while I am having such encounters.  I have been particularly blessed that, locally, my Pastor is very willing to talk to me, offer advice, encourage me to not get discouraged and also offer to confront any men that I am uncomfortable with (he reminds me all the time he has a gun and will be willing to show it if necessary.  Further from my home, I have my mom who I try to keep informed of who I am going on a date with, where we will be and any pertinent information about the time I am away.   My sister, again, further away physically, but who can always think of the nicest, firmest way to convey a difficult concept to another person.  I could have made some difficult situations worse had it not been for the tactful advice she has offered.  Also, locally are other friends who listen to my dilemmas, offer advice and don't say "we told you so" when I don't always follow what they have to say.  

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)