Options

One Saturday, 18 months out from 'the event' which was six months after my self appointed timetable to begin dating, I was sitting on my bed working on a school project.   When working on a school project, my brain just seems to scream at me, "Do something else! Something FUN!"  So, while I was "taking a break" from my school project, I decided to create a plan for finding some men (or at the least 'a' man) to date.

I won't lie.  I had been looking around for some time at the men (or potential men) in my life and well, quite frankly, there just weren't any.

I really am opposed to work place romance.  Way too complicated and uncomfortable.  Especially if things don't work out (and often even if they do!).  I actually quit a job once (in my distant pre-marriage days) because the discomfort I felt with a co-worker that I was no longer dating. While I would like to think I am older and wiser and wouldn't have to quit over something like that, I really didn't care to find out.

I don't go to bars.  While I am not opposed to others having the occasional drink, my late husband was a recovering alcoholic so we never drank.  And we certainly didn't hang out in bars.  [OK, true confession time.  I have only been in two bars in my life--not counting the restaurants with 'bar & grill' in their  name.  Once with an exchange student's family when I was in High School--mom, did you know about that?--and the other was with an Adult Bible Study group.  We went to eat steak.  At Christmastime.  There is just something not right with both of those.]  Never-the-less, I really didn't see the sense in starting to bar hop at the ripe old age of fifty!

The only other place that I frequent on a regular basis is Church.  [If you were thinking grocery store or shopping, you were WAY off.  I go to Church much more regularly than to any place to shop as I enjoy the experience of Church significantly more!]  Church seems like the most logical place to find a potential date.  The likelihood that your mate will hold the same values and beliefs should be greater, but....  Most of the people I know at church, also knew my late husband.  In fact, many of them only knew 'of' me, but they 'knew' him.  Our church has three campuses.  My late husband was instrumental in getting the campus that my daughter and I attend up and going.  While it is the smaller of the three campuses, it is the one closest to my home so that is where I choose to attend.  It just seemed 'weird' to me to seek out potential dates among men that were my late husband's friends.  So, that option seemed closed.

So where do 50 year-old, Christian women go to find the love of their life?  What ARE her options?  That was what I really needed to figure out, on that random day when I was supposed to be working on a project for school.

A Delay

At about the sixth month mark following 'the life altering event' that led me to entertaining thoughts of remarriage, I was anxiously awaiting the first year to be over so I could start dating.  Never mind that at six months there were still days that I couldn't stop crying. This occurred most the day on some days, and happened more regularly than I wanted to acknowledge.  Just think how fun I would have been as a dating partner at that point?  Six months into widowhood was obviously not long enough for me to have adequately grieved nor to have allowed my daughter the time she needed.

So waiting for a year to be up before heading into the dating scene, was really one of the best pieces of advice that I received AND chose to follow.

Then that first anniversary that I couldn't wait to come and dreaded all at the same time, finally arrived.

My daughter and I spent the days prior to and on the anniversary of his death coming back from a mission trip to Taiwan.  [Incidentally, it was 5 days after a trip to Taiwan the previous year that my husband died of a Pulmonary Embolism.  Returning to Taiwan was a bittersweet reminder of that event but also served as a chance for my daughter and me to show ourselves that WE were capable of making a trip like this together.  I am truly thankful for all the spiritual support we had on that trip.]




The trip came while I was on a short break from my newest, latest escape from reality--graduate school.  (It dawned on me one day that I tend to dive into school when I am feeling overwhelmed with life.  How crazy is that!?!)  I had just completed my first summer semester and was headed into the first Fall semester of a Master's of Science in Nursing degree.  I quickly learned that the first Fall semester is the 'weeding' semester, so I had NO time to even think about anything but Advanced Nursing Assessment, Diagnostic Reasoning, Pathophysiology and some other class I can't even remember now.  That was the craziest, most insane four months of my entire life!
[Let me just insert right here, that the death of my husband/her father qualifies as THE WORST event EVER in my life.  Nothing else even comes close as a comparison.  So let's just put it in its own category and all the other comparisons I make from here on out are against everything else in my life, but not the death! Deal.]

So my first, actual, serious thoughts about dating didn't occur until I was well past the 18 month mark.  It is amazing how God orchestrates our lives, often saving us from ourselves.  Also, I think at that point, my daughter thought she was not going to have to deal with her mother's escapade into dating.  Little did she know, my determination would rear its ugly head well before the second year was up.

The Decision

Prior to 'the event' that changed my world from being a happily married woman to a grieving widow, I never thought once about what dating in the 21st century would be like.

Fortunately, my late husband and I were not afraid to talk about those usually difficult subjects, such as, 'what if you die?' or 'what if I die?'  We had both agreed having someone else to share and enjoy the remainder of our years together would be what we would want for the other.  Because we did have those conversations (on numerous occasions through the years) it didn't feel awkward when I began having thoughts of remarriage after his death.  Naturally, with thoughts of remarriage came thoughts of dating.

Contemplating dating brought with it many decisions.  The first of those decisions was the timing.  When would be a good time to start the process.

When?  I knew from past life experiences, watching friends, and grief support groups that I should not even begin to consider dating until I had given myself at least a year to grieve.  So, as much as my heart (at times) lead me to thinking about filling that empty void with a romantic relationship, I decided to postpone dating until after the first anniversary of his death.  And boy am I ever glad I made that all important decision!

Little did I know how complicated and adventurous, all intertwined into one, dating in the 21st century could be.