So I arrived at Applebee's for my first date with George. I was right on time. I got out of the car and realized I had no idea what he looked like or even what he would be wearing. I supposed, I would just have to go in and see if there was a man in there that was looking for some yet unknown-to-him woman. I guessed I could always text or call him and see who answered his phone.
I noted that there was only one person waiting for a table when I walk into the lobby area. So when I went in and the hostess asked me about being seated, I explain that I was supposed to meet a gentleman here and I didn't know if he was here yet or not. The only gentleman in the lobby got up, came over and asked if I was "The Widow" and introduced himself as George. We shook hands which felt very awkward, like we are about to have a business meeting, but it all happened so quickly. The hostess began her movement toward the dining area and we quickly followed.
So this was my date. My FIRST date. Later, it occurred on me that his date would not be momentous because it was my first date with George (sorry about that George), but it was significant to me because it was my first time going on a date with a stranger in more than 20 years. Ironically, this memorable event was occurring in the most common and ordinary of places. Applebee's. As I was walking to my seat it hit me. How....unreal....surreal this moment was. Could this really be happening?
I pulled myself back into the present where I was on my first date with George. I quickly sized him up physically. He couldn't possibly be 5'9'. I am only 5'5" plus my 2 inch heels made me as tall as him. Hummmm, somehow the math doesn't add up. [I have since learned that in the same way that women fib about their true weight--shaving off a few pounds--men generally add a few inches to their height. Just an FYI for you ladies looking for a gentleman of a particular height.] He did have hair, as I requested, albeit not much. But there was hair on top.
As soon as we sat down and ordered our drinks, the conversation began to flow. He was a great communicator. Sharing about himself. Asking about me. Listening. Talking. I quickly realized that we only had a very few things in common. Most of the things we did have in common had to do with our church, mission's interest and spiritual growth. All very positive things to have in common, but certainly not the only things necessary for a marriage partnership.
It became very apparent the interests he was hoping his future wife would share with him involved being outdoors together. Not really just being outside, but doing activity outdoors. Cycling, camping, hiking, running, etc, etc, other outdoor activities that involve exertion. Anyone who knows me for even a few minutes knows that the day Gillette came out with their famous slogan in 1984, they simultaneously bestowed upon me my motto for life: "Never let them see you sweat!" While Gillette's solution was to use their antiperspirant Dry Idea, my answer has always remained--just don't do anything that would cause you to sweat in the first place!
Other noteworthy differences included the following. He liked the mountains for vacation. I like the beach. He liked the West Coast. I like the East. He loved living in a colder climate. I want to retire somewhere hot. [Ok, for all you who think this does not reconcile with the "sweat" motto. Let me explain. Being in a hot climate forces you to stay indoors where you can enjoy the pleasures of reading, movies, shopping, internet, etc. If one DOES find themselves outside they will quickly find water (pool/beach) to cool off--in which case, no one CAN see you sweat because you are wet. It works. Trust me, it's the motto I live by. I've perfected it.] His schedule was such that he was busy on the days I was off and off on the days I had activities. It was apparent he really only tolerated his job, whereas I am enamored with my career and appreciate others who feel the same.
As our date was coming to an end, it became apparent that we were not a good match at all. I will say we gave it our best effort and time (2 hours) to find some things in common, but alas, it was obvious we were mostly on opposite ends of the spectrum.
One thing I did discover on this first date, but would not realize until multiple first dates later, was that every first date seems to harbor a curiosity about the circumstances of my late husband's death, while also fearing they will upset me by talking/asking about it. So now, I usually say early in the conversation (when it seems appropriate) that I don't mind questions about him or his death at any time they want to know. It seems to ease the tension that I feel they have about tip-toeing around the subject for fear I might cry (which I suspect would be a gentleman's worst nightmare-come-true for a first date). And as an aside, I made sure I was past "crying at the drop of a hat" before I even started dating to begin with.
Even though I thought I was keeping my nervous feelings under control, apparently I was not.
Surprise hit me when George asked me if this was my first date. Was it THAT obvious? Wow. I thought I was a tab bit better at hiding my jitters. Then he said the matchmaker service seems to match him with women on their first date with the service. He thought it was because people gave him a good report about how easy he was to talk to and someone "safe." So...maybe he really didn't notice how nervous I was. Maybe I can just keep believing it was only a lucky guess on his part. Do you mind?
So the date ended. We walked out of the restaurant and George stepped in for a hug/embrace. Actually twice. Hugging on the first date just seemed very strange to me. That was not the only time I have been caught off guard by this "custom." More surprisingly, most gentlemen have started the first date with a hug. It's not sensual. More like the kind of hug you would give someone of the opposite sex at church. Still, it just seems strange to me. Is this something new? If it is, how did gentleman my age figure it out while I am still clueless? Is it a Mid-Western way vs. a Southern way? All my dating prior to now was in the South. I have no other point of reference. [I do know there are some very distinctly different thoughts about how some common activities are completed between here and there, so this is not out of the realm of possibilities.]
To my relief, I survived my first date as a widow. It really wasn't that bad. I am thankful to God for so many positives of this dating experience. Thankfully, George was easy to talk to--no awkward silence, no babbling on and on. I am thankful there were enough things NOT in common that I wasn't confused about whether he might be a possibility or not. Thankfully, God is growing me in my dependance on Him day by day. Thankfully, He is teaching me more about Himself in the process.
Thankfully I didn't find "the one" on my first date, otherwise, I wouldn't have all these great stories/adventures to treasure and share. Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever. Psalm 107:1NIV
The Dating Adventures of a 50-year-old Widow
Thursday, October 31, 2013
First Date Jitters
So within a week after signing up for the Matchmaker Service, I get my first call. Josie, the matchmaker on the other end of the call says, "Hi Susan. We have a match for you." I scramble around for a piece of paper and pen so I can jot down the stats. The matchmaker quickly rattles off: His name is George (I immediately think of my dad who is named the same, hummm). He lives in [suburb of nearby city]. He's 5'9" tall. Has brown hair and brown eyes. He has one daughter that is grown and out of the house. He is a Christian and attends church weekly (sounds good, but I think about how little this tells me if he doesn't share my spiritual beliefs). Then there is the litany of activities he enjoys. I note a few of them as camping, cycling, running, golfing, etc, etc, etc outdoor activities.
I agree to the match and Josie tells me that she will call George and if he agrees to the match she will give him my phone number and he will call me.
Josie calls back to let me know that George has agreed and that he will be calling me in a few days. I take a few minutes to look at my calendar to see what evening and week-end dates I have open and available. OK, it looks like any day in the next 7 days will work. Sad, but true.
The next evening I get a call from George. I was incredibly nervous but trying not to sound like it. He sounded very nice and polite. I notice right away how easy he was to talk to. We set a date and time. He wanted to come to a restaurant close to where I live and I would rather go to [a town] (half way between). He says he will see what is available in [a town near me] and text me with the chosen restaurant. The next day he suggests Applebee's. I agree and we are set.
I immediately go out and buy a new blouse to wear with my jeans. Any excuse to get something new, right? I call my hairdresser and schedule an appointment to have my hair trimmed and styled the day of my date. Everything seems to be working out.
He calls me the day before the date and tells me he has a boss coming in from somewhere far away and the boss wants to go out to eat the evening of our date. He is very sorry, but he has to take care of work. I understand that! So we set the date for the next night. Now my hair won't be as beautiful as my hairdresser makes it, but it will still be trimmed.
While getting my hair styled I tell my hairdresser about the date change and she offers to have me come by her house before my date the next evening so she can style my hair. She is the best!
So I get dressed that evening. Change clothes as I don't think I like the new blouse. Then think I don't have enough color on so go back and change back into the new blouse. I am SO nervous!
On my way to my hairdresser's house I begin to panic. What if something happens and she can't style my hair. I should have at least made it look presentable, in case. Wow, could I be any more nervous that I am right now? But sure enough, my hairdresser is there and performs her magic! I leave and am able to leisurely make my way to Applebee's.
Did I mention how VERY nervous I am as I arrive at Applebee's for my date?
I agree to the match and Josie tells me that she will call George and if he agrees to the match she will give him my phone number and he will call me.
Josie calls back to let me know that George has agreed and that he will be calling me in a few days. I take a few minutes to look at my calendar to see what evening and week-end dates I have open and available. OK, it looks like any day in the next 7 days will work. Sad, but true.
The next evening I get a call from George. I was incredibly nervous but trying not to sound like it. He sounded very nice and polite. I notice right away how easy he was to talk to. We set a date and time. He wanted to come to a restaurant close to where I live and I would rather go to [a town] (half way between). He says he will see what is available in [a town near me] and text me with the chosen restaurant. The next day he suggests Applebee's. I agree and we are set.
I immediately go out and buy a new blouse to wear with my jeans. Any excuse to get something new, right? I call my hairdresser and schedule an appointment to have my hair trimmed and styled the day of my date. Everything seems to be working out.
He calls me the day before the date and tells me he has a boss coming in from somewhere far away and the boss wants to go out to eat the evening of our date. He is very sorry, but he has to take care of work. I understand that! So we set the date for the next night. Now my hair won't be as beautiful as my hairdresser makes it, but it will still be trimmed.
While getting my hair styled I tell my hairdresser about the date change and she offers to have me come by her house before my date the next evening so she can style my hair. She is the best!
So I get dressed that evening. Change clothes as I don't think I like the new blouse. Then think I don't have enough color on so go back and change back into the new blouse. I am SO nervous!
On my way to my hairdresser's house I begin to panic. What if something happens and she can't style my hair. I should have at least made it look presentable, in case. Wow, could I be any more nervous that I am right now? But sure enough, my hairdresser is there and performs her magic! I leave and am able to leisurely make my way to Applebee's.
Did I mention how VERY nervous I am as I arrive at Applebee's for my date?
Monday, October 7, 2013
Another way
After closing the first online site that I signed up for, I began searching the web for an alternative to finding men to date. Surely there had to be another way. And if there was, I was determined to find it.
I came across an online advertisement for a matchmaking service called Kansas Singles (apparently they are in other states as well). The idea behind the service is that all the potential dates are screened for you and then are matched to your predetermined specifications. This sounded like a viable option for me. I wouldn't have to spend my time scouring the profiles online and setting up searches. This, for me, seemed like a good idea.
I made initial contact with the company online. They called and made an appointment for a face to face meeting at their office. I went through about an hour long interview process where I answered questions that supposedly evaluated me to see if I was psychologically fit to be dating the men in their system (at least I think that is what they were evaluating). Some of the questions the counselor asked included: Why I was considering dating at this point in my life. Where else I had looked for dates (church, friends, online, work, etc) and why I didn't think that any of those avenues would work for me. Where I was in my grieving process. What I was hoping to gain from the service (a marriage partner was apparently the right answer). I must say I was impressed with the thoroughness. She assured me that they ask all their clients these questions.
I asked her about the type of clients they have and she assured me they were professional men (doctors, surgeons, lawyers, engineers, pharmacists, etc) who, like me, didn't want to be online but didn't have opportunity in their life to meet quality women (which I guess she was implying that I was? Hahaha). I was also concerned that there might not be any or be a limited number of men who shared my commitment to my spiritual beliefs. Again she assured me there were many.
She then left the room to go and "talk to her supervisor" by phone to get his approval. She also ran a background check and credit check. She came back and said I was approved. She did tell me that they do not approve everyone. Once there was a guy who had tattoos all over his body (arms, legs, head, etc) and they did not approve him even though the other areas checked out. She said she tries to keep in mind the kind of men she would like to see her friends and daughters date. That sounded reasonable.
Next came the explanation about how, exactly, the service works. You are assigned to a matchmaker. They will match you with a man in their system based on the criteria that I provided. When they had a match for me, they would call me and tell me about him. I would have the option of saying yes or no, but she encouraged me to always say yes unless there was a HUGE compelling reason why I couldn't or wouldn't go out with him. Keep in mind the man they describe should already match the criteria that I had set. If I say yes, then they would call the man and tell him about me. If he accepted, they would give him my phone number and he would call me to arrange the date. We were supposed to talk for only about 5 minutes on that phone call, just enough time to set a date. They didn't want us to start making a judgment about the other person until we had actually met in person. After the date, I was to call the service back. Tell them some things I liked about the person and some things I would like differently for the next date. The idea is that they use the information to narrow down my options until they help me find the right one. Assuming we didn't hit it off, I would be put back in the rotation for a future match in 2-3 weeks. If we did hit it off and had planned another date, I would be taken out of the rotation until I let them know. I must say what I learned really appealed to me in terms of ease of use on my part, considering where I was in my schooling and life (living in a rural area where there are few available male options). So basically they were arranging a series of blind dates for me until I found "the one."
I agreed this was something I wanted. Saw the price tag. Nearly choked. But ultimately thought it was worth the cost, wrote them a check (which they didn't want to accept--as they wanted a credit card--but did), signed the contract, answered even MORE questions about myself, what I wanted and didn't want, had my picture taken (not for the clients but for the matchmaker) and left knowing I was now in a good place as it related to my dating life. All that was left was for me to wait for my matchmaker to call me with my first match and hopefully he would be SO fantastic, we would fall madly in love and for the rest of my life I could brag about how much I paid to have this one date with him. I was feeling very optimistic for the first time in a long time.
I came across an online advertisement for a matchmaking service called Kansas Singles (apparently they are in other states as well). The idea behind the service is that all the potential dates are screened for you and then are matched to your predetermined specifications. This sounded like a viable option for me. I wouldn't have to spend my time scouring the profiles online and setting up searches. This, for me, seemed like a good idea.
I made initial contact with the company online. They called and made an appointment for a face to face meeting at their office. I went through about an hour long interview process where I answered questions that supposedly evaluated me to see if I was psychologically fit to be dating the men in their system (at least I think that is what they were evaluating). Some of the questions the counselor asked included: Why I was considering dating at this point in my life. Where else I had looked for dates (church, friends, online, work, etc) and why I didn't think that any of those avenues would work for me. Where I was in my grieving process. What I was hoping to gain from the service (a marriage partner was apparently the right answer). I must say I was impressed with the thoroughness. She assured me that they ask all their clients these questions.
I asked her about the type of clients they have and she assured me they were professional men (doctors, surgeons, lawyers, engineers, pharmacists, etc) who, like me, didn't want to be online but didn't have opportunity in their life to meet quality women (which I guess she was implying that I was? Hahaha). I was also concerned that there might not be any or be a limited number of men who shared my commitment to my spiritual beliefs. Again she assured me there were many.
She then left the room to go and "talk to her supervisor" by phone to get his approval. She also ran a background check and credit check. She came back and said I was approved. She did tell me that they do not approve everyone. Once there was a guy who had tattoos all over his body (arms, legs, head, etc) and they did not approve him even though the other areas checked out. She said she tries to keep in mind the kind of men she would like to see her friends and daughters date. That sounded reasonable.
Next came the explanation about how, exactly, the service works. You are assigned to a matchmaker. They will match you with a man in their system based on the criteria that I provided. When they had a match for me, they would call me and tell me about him. I would have the option of saying yes or no, but she encouraged me to always say yes unless there was a HUGE compelling reason why I couldn't or wouldn't go out with him. Keep in mind the man they describe should already match the criteria that I had set. If I say yes, then they would call the man and tell him about me. If he accepted, they would give him my phone number and he would call me to arrange the date. We were supposed to talk for only about 5 minutes on that phone call, just enough time to set a date. They didn't want us to start making a judgment about the other person until we had actually met in person. After the date, I was to call the service back. Tell them some things I liked about the person and some things I would like differently for the next date. The idea is that they use the information to narrow down my options until they help me find the right one. Assuming we didn't hit it off, I would be put back in the rotation for a future match in 2-3 weeks. If we did hit it off and had planned another date, I would be taken out of the rotation until I let them know. I must say what I learned really appealed to me in terms of ease of use on my part, considering where I was in my schooling and life (living in a rural area where there are few available male options). So basically they were arranging a series of blind dates for me until I found "the one."
I agreed this was something I wanted. Saw the price tag. Nearly choked. But ultimately thought it was worth the cost, wrote them a check (which they didn't want to accept--as they wanted a credit card--but did), signed the contract, answered even MORE questions about myself, what I wanted and didn't want, had my picture taken (not for the clients but for the matchmaker) and left knowing I was now in a good place as it related to my dating life. All that was left was for me to wait for my matchmaker to call me with my first match and hopefully he would be SO fantastic, we would fall madly in love and for the rest of my life I could brag about how much I paid to have this one date with him. I was feeling very optimistic for the first time in a long time.
Friday, October 4, 2013
The (not so) ideal man
So, I was now officially a member of the online dating world. Time to explore who was out their awaiting me and me them.
I took some time to take a few 'hold the iPhone at arms length' pictures to add to my profile. I didn't realize that all pictures have to be approved by 'someone who monitors the site,' before my pics would show up. Before the pictures were approved, there were men sending messages requesting photos. I guess I didn't do such a bad job describing myself after all, huh?
With pictures posted and approved, I now set out to plug in some search parameters and see who would be a good match. Remember all those multiple choice questions that I had to select from in creating my profile? Well, now I could decide which of those qualities I would want in a match.
Some of the choices I made were: Ht 5'11 to over 7' (I like tall men so I can wear my high heels and still not be looking eye to eye), someone within 50 mile radius of my location (that at least gets me to Kansas City), non-smoker, non- or social drinker, OK if they have children (really wouldn't be fair to knock someone out of the running over child(ren) since I am expecting they will also accept my child), body type of 'slim' to 'a few extra pounds,' for hair color I selected all except 'bald' (I do like my man with hair), etc., etc., etc. I figured, if I were dreaming, I might as well make him a tall, dark, handsome, rich and committed Christian. I mean, why not? I knew I could always change the parameters later if no one showed up on the list.
So I hit the send button and to my astonishment......this man who lives in my very own town showed up as my most likely match. Oh, WOW! This was NOT what I was expecting. In fact, I was horrified! The man staring back at me from my computer screen was no other than a man that I KNEW had molested a child!!!! I was AGHAST! It quickly dawned on me, if I could see that he was on here looking for a date, then he could see I was on here as well. If this man, with his dirty, little secrete was on ChristianMingle.com, how could I trust any of the men whose faces were staring at me, saying they were a good match. I began looking for the delete button and I promptly removed my profile. Wow, all that work (that I should have been putting into a school project?) vaporized in a moment of reality.
Well, that was certainly not how I had envisioned my first online dating experience to be. Over before it even started. I began to wonder if this really was the best option for me. Surely there had to be a better, safer way to meet men to date. Clearly I need to do a little more research before I proceeded down the online dating path.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Options (continued)
After deciding what options were NOT good for finding a date, I began thinking about what WOULD be a good option. My thoughts turned to a new friend that I had recently met at the clinic I was working in. A few weeks prior, I went to a wedding shower for her and it was there that I discovered she met her husband-to-be on ChristianMingle.com. I decided that maybe online dating would be a good option for me as well.
So, on that random Saturday, while working on a school project, I took a short break from my studies and typed the words ChristianMingle.com into my web browser. There was the offer to join for free. So I started typing. There was a combination of questions regarding email address, user name, password, birthdate, Name, Zip Code. The requested information gradually became more personal. Height? Surprisingly no question about weight, but had to choose your body type, such as 'Athletic' 'Slim' 'Average' 'A few extra pounds,' etc. I began to see where people could easily mis-identify themselves. Who of us doesn't want to believe we are skinnier or richer than we really are? Then the question of income range (yet another opportunity to deceive). Singleness status? Such as 'Never Married' 'Divorced' 'Widowed' Occupation? Do you have children? Do they live at home? I kept typing or checking off boxes. Why type of church did you grow up in? What type of church do you attend now? What type of ministry are you involved in? How do you define yourself as a Christian? This was interesting. There were choices such as 'It defines who I am' to 'I am trying to decide.' What? I thought this was a place Christians came to mingle? This did not make sense. But I made my choice (It defines who I am) and moved on. The question about how often you attend church was just as disturbing. From 'Weekly' to 'Never'. Hummm?
Next came the all important 'Who am I and what am I looking for' paragraph. Wow. How exactly does one tell potential dates who they are and what they are like in a few hundred characters? That is at least as difficult if not more difficult than describing what you are looking for in a potential date. [At this point I am wondering why I thought this would be a good break/distraction from my school project!]
The final part is submitting some photos of yourself. Well, now. I am usually the one behind the camera, so not too many (dare I say, not ANY that are flattering) pics of myself to post. When you try to skip this part, you get a warning that people do not look at profiles if you don't have a picture posted. I'm sure that is true. But I certainly didn't want unflattering pictures of me posted. So I began plotting how I was going to get some good current photos of myself, without letting anyone know that I had signed up for online dating.
So far, this online option was my secret. A place to escape to so I could quietly find the Christian man of my dreams. I really couldn't wait to surprise my family and friends with the story of the date-of-my-dreams that I had just taken the time to define! What could there be about this new adventure that wouldn't be fun?
So, on that random Saturday, while working on a school project, I took a short break from my studies and typed the words ChristianMingle.com into my web browser. There was the offer to join for free. So I started typing. There was a combination of questions regarding email address, user name, password, birthdate, Name, Zip Code. The requested information gradually became more personal. Height? Surprisingly no question about weight, but had to choose your body type, such as 'Athletic' 'Slim' 'Average' 'A few extra pounds,' etc. I began to see where people could easily mis-identify themselves. Who of us doesn't want to believe we are skinnier or richer than we really are? Then the question of income range (yet another opportunity to deceive). Singleness status? Such as 'Never Married' 'Divorced' 'Widowed' Occupation? Do you have children? Do they live at home? I kept typing or checking off boxes. Why type of church did you grow up in? What type of church do you attend now? What type of ministry are you involved in? How do you define yourself as a Christian? This was interesting. There were choices such as 'It defines who I am' to 'I am trying to decide.' What? I thought this was a place Christians came to mingle? This did not make sense. But I made my choice (It defines who I am) and moved on. The question about how often you attend church was just as disturbing. From 'Weekly' to 'Never'. Hummm?
Next came the all important 'Who am I and what am I looking for' paragraph. Wow. How exactly does one tell potential dates who they are and what they are like in a few hundred characters? That is at least as difficult if not more difficult than describing what you are looking for in a potential date. [At this point I am wondering why I thought this would be a good break/distraction from my school project!]
The final part is submitting some photos of yourself. Well, now. I am usually the one behind the camera, so not too many (dare I say, not ANY that are flattering) pics of myself to post. When you try to skip this part, you get a warning that people do not look at profiles if you don't have a picture posted. I'm sure that is true. But I certainly didn't want unflattering pictures of me posted. So I began plotting how I was going to get some good current photos of myself, without letting anyone know that I had signed up for online dating.
So far, this online option was my secret. A place to escape to so I could quietly find the Christian man of my dreams. I really couldn't wait to surprise my family and friends with the story of the date-of-my-dreams that I had just taken the time to define! What could there be about this new adventure that wouldn't be fun?
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