The Surgeon

So, the Matchmaking Service told me that The Surgeon would be calling me near the end of the week.  In case you have forgotten where this fits in the dating timeline you may need to revisit Two Matches and Googling a Date.  I know I had go back and read them in order to see where I had left off in this long convoluted story that I have taken WAY to long to finish.  At the end of the blog series about "The Surgeon" you will have an idea of why I have put off finishing this particular blog!  I can't seem to live life and write at the same time, which is probably why I should not try to write a blog as it is happening.  But, I digress.  Let's get back to the topic at hand, The Surgeon.

So, I learn about the match with The Surgeon on Monday following my last day of class and am told he will be calling sometime by the end of the week.  So I wait.  And google him.  And wait. And wait some more.  That had to be one of the LONGEST week of my life.  So, on Saturday morning, which is exactly FIVE days from when I first learned about the match with The Surgeon, my mind began trying to come up with some logical explanations for why he had not called me yet.

Some (I'm not going to list them all!) of the reason I came up with that may have prevented The Surgeon from calling were:  1) The Matchmaking Service forgot to give him my number,  or 2) The Matchmaking Service gave him my number but they gave the wrong number OR he wrote it down wrong (and now he was having a date with another fifty year old Widow, who was pleasantly surprised at her good fortune), or MAYBE 3) He was on an exotic vacation on Bora Bora Island and  he was coming back the following week and I would get to hear all about it (I have a crazy, fun, out-of-the-box kind of imagination, in case you have not noticed by now), or realistically, maybe 4) He had several 12-18 hour surgeries during the week and he was just plain exhausted (I know I would have been), or sadly, maybe 5) He had changed his mind about going out with me even though he had not even met me yet (oh, but let's not think that!).

So it dawned on me that I needed to call the Matchmaking Service to see what was going on.  Because, the Lord knows that my life is quickly flying by and every day that I wait to hear from a date is another day that I am in limbo waiting for my handsome prince.  But, if you recall (from Two Matches blog) I despise having to make phone calls, so I decided that maybe "the end of the week" meant by late Sunday evening (although that did not make sense as Sunday is the first day of the week--but, alas,  that is what my procrastinating mind does to me--keeps rationalizing a reason not to make a call).  So I decided I would call on Monday morning (I know, I know. Procrastination at it's finest!) if I haven't heard from him by Saturday evening.

As I am working through all the possible scenarios and thinking of reasons to procrastinate, the phone rings.  It's.....NOT The Surgeon.  BUT, it IS the Matchmaking Service (I do think they can read my mind at times) and I offer a quick, Thank-you, God (I don't have to make the call)!  So the Matchmaker told me that he had not been able to get in touch with the Forklift Driver.  Oh, wow!  I had already forgotten all about him, poor guy!  But, the Matchmaker went on to say, I guess you have talked to The Surgeon and have a date planned.  After a brief stunned silence, I replied that I had not heard from him.  Then the Matchmaker has his moment of stunned silence and says that he had called The Surgeon and left my number on his voicemail on Monday right after he talked to me.  He assured me that he would call The Surgeon, again, and leave a message, again.  He said to give The Surgeon until the end of the coming week to call.  AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!  Another WEEK!  I was pretty sure I would die before then, but I decided maybe I should try and hold out for his call.

 So, my way out-of-town family (that I only see a few times a year) came up to visit me to celebrate my graduation (explained in A Delay) which would be at the end of my now, busy and exciting week.  I began wondering if it would be rude to ask my family to excuse me for an evening in the event The Surgeon called BEFORE the end of the week and wanted to have a date some time before they left.  I really couldn't decide what to do, but I leaned toward going on a date even with them here.  I know, I'm bad.

So, on Tuesday afternoon, I got a call from a "No Caller ID" number (something that I knew physicians always do).  I took the call and it WAS the Surgeon!  I tried my best to sound nice and relaxed (not sure how I really sounded).  He apologized for not calling me the week before, but he said he wasn't sure what happened but he didn't get a message from the Matchmaker Service the week before and then he was out of town over the week-end (when they called back) looking at another major city that he was considering relocating his business to this coming summer.  Hummm, I wasn't sure what to think about that.  While it was easy to carry on a conversation with him, he was so soft spoken so that I felt like I kept having to say, "What?" "Pardon?" "Can you repeat that?"  I HATE when I have to do that!  But I hate it even more when I don't know what they just said, so I pressed on.  We talked for about 8 minutes.  He asked me where I grew up.  How do people always know I didn't grow up in the Midwest?  My Southern accent isn't that obvious, is it?  Ha.  Don't answer that!  As it turned out he grew up here in the Midwest but lived in most of the major cities of the state I grew up in while he was in medical school and in his residency programs (something that confirmed that the Surgeon I googled was indeed the one I was now talking with) but it seemed we were not in any of the same cities at the same time.

So, after the light chit-chat, we decided that I should call him on Saturday after my graduation was over and we would schedule a date then.  Good.  Now I could just relax and get through the graduation with my family AND keep dreaming of the date that I would soon have with The Surgeon.    

Proverbs 13:12 

The Message (MSG)

Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick,
    but a sudden good break can turn life around.

If I could, I would insert a satisfied smile and a quiet sigh, right here.

Googling a date

So I learned about two potential dates on Monday (see Two Matches).  I must admit, I promptly forgot that the fork lift driver would now be given the option of going out with me since I had agreed to accept him as a date.  My entire focus was now on the unbelievably exciting possibility of having even a single date with a Cardiothoracic Surgeon.  I was giddy with excitement.

The thought occurred to me that just because he was a surgeon, who was (I might add) 6 foot tall, did not guarantee he would be good looking OR nice.  How could I learn more about him prior to his call?  I then remembered that Google can be used to find a personal physician, so why not use Google to find out more about a potential date?  I inputted the info that I had for the Surgeon.  His first name, his speciality and the Mid-West city he was from (that is closest to my rural town).  Really, how many Cardiothoracic Surgeons with his first name and who were his age could there be in that Mid-West city? After entering the information into Google search and pressing enter, a list of surgeons appeared on the screen.  I began reading down the list of first names.  Charles, no.  Sam, no.  Christy, obviously, no.  On down the list I go.  Then suddenly, there was HIS first name.  I clicked on the hyperlink that took me to a page on a hospital website that highlighted him as a Cardiothoracic Surgeon associated with them.  I quickly looked to see when he had finished medical school since I knew that would give me an idea of how old he was.  You can't go by the pictures to guesstimate an age, I've learned through the years, as the hospitals do not always update physicians' photos.  I guess someone out there thinks that physicians never age.  Ha.

The date he graduated from med school fit with the age that the Matchmaking Service had given me.  Wow.  I was impressed.  He was VERY nice looking and appeared almost shy in the way he smiled.  I was pretty sure I was going to like him!  After staring into his blue eyes for a few minutes (maybe longer, but who was keeping track?) and a few sighs later,  I decided to show the picture to my daughter.  "So do you think he's handsome?" she asks.  I reply with an emphatic "YES."  The first thing she takes note of is the hospital he is associated with.  They have a very competitive training program (they only take 10 students per year) that she had been hoping to get into one day down the road and it dawns on her that if HE recommended her, she would surely get in.  So she says, "Mom, I think he might be the one!"

So, I kept his picture handy and periodically referred to it (confident that the picture was actually the potential date) as I was now waiting for the expected phone call at the end of the week.  I also began to rationalize how if I was married to him (see how quickly things get out of hand in my world), we could tithe and we would be able to give well over $50K dollars per year to the church.  I was sure that God would want that and would be pleased if I could bring him on board.  I began telling all my friends about how hopeful I was.

As I spend days considering what could be done (tithing, giving, helping others and admittedly, thinking of spending on self) with half a million a year, I was reminded by God that all wealth comes from him.  I did not need a man to provide what I wanted as my Father in heaven is the owner of all things.

This verse is a prayer that David is praying to God after many people so generously gave to the building of the temple:

1 Chronicles 29:14

New International Version (NIV)

“But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand.

Two Matches

The matchmaking service that I joined early on in the dating process (see Another Way post) had been slow in scheduling dates.  They were supposed to provide a match every 4 weeks.  At one point (after my last day of class for the last class of my Master's program) it dawned on me that it had been 6 (SIX) weeks since they had called me with a match (in reality I had not noticed this before because I was busy finding my own dates online and finishing up coursework).  I paid way too much money for this service to not have a steady stream of matches coming my way.

So on Monday after the final class was complete, and just as I was contemplating what I was going to say to the Matchmaking service when I called them (anyone who knows me very well knows that making a phone call is a task that I will procrastinate doing for much too long!), my phone rang.  It was the Matchmaking service.  YES!

They told me that they had TWO matches for me.  Apparently they had been reading my mind that they  were slacking and were trying to pick up the slack.  Finally, a new date.  With all of my input on the past dates, I was really hopeful that these matches would BOTH be SO fantastic that I would have a hard time choosing which one to pursue.

I was told the name of the first date and then the biographical sketch followed.   WERE THEY KIDDING ME?!?  The Matchmaker said, "He's a forklift driver."  Quite honestly, after he told me  that I did NOT hear another thing he said.  But as I ALWAYS do, I said a polite, "Ok, I accept."  I do this, because the one time that I refused a date (a man that was only separated and not yet divorced--a situation that I DO NOT accept!), it took weeks and weeks for them to find me another match.  So I just bit the bullet and decided to take my chances (since there is not anything immoral about driving a forklift, why not?).  Maybe he was really a nice guy.  How bad could one date be?  So after accepting the date, the Matchmaker said the routine, "I'll call him to see if he will accept the match as well and if he does I will give him your number."

Then the Matchmaker said, the second match we have for you is [I'm not giving his name out for privacy reasons].  He is a (this is how they said it) heart and lung surgeon.  Oh WOW!?! Once again, I almost didn't hear another word the Matchmaker told me and this was not because I was upset.  I absolutely could not believe it!  A cardio-thoracic surgeon, really?  Do you know how much they make in a year?  About half-a-million a year!  Immediately, I start jotting down his statistics so I can figure out what we may have in common to strike up a conversation about should this dream really become a reality.  So then the Matchmaker asks the silliest question of ALL...."Do you accept this match?"  Was he kidding?  Does anyone really say, "No.  I really would rather not take the chance that a surgeon who makes half-a-million a year might fall for me?"

I tried not to sound TOO enthusiastic as I said, "Well, sure, I'll take him as well."  The matchmaker then changes his usual last statement.  He says.  "Good.  I have already talked to him and he has already accepted you as a match." Oh wow, oh wow.  How cool is that?!?  The Matchmaker followed that statement with, "I will call him and leave your number on his messaging service and you should expect to hear from him around the end of the week."  So, this was Monday.  How many days would I  have to wait until "the end of the week?"

The Actor (Act 3)

As unbelievable as it may seem, I allowed myself one more encounter with The Actor.  I know.  After all those compliments from my readers telling how great it was that I saw right through this guy, I knew I had to fess up and tell how I fell for his antics one more time.  He was such a good...well, actor!

A week after The Actor originally got "sick" he sent me the following text:  [Just so you know, I keep ALL of my texts except ONE that I HAD to delete.  It was x-rated and NO, sadly, I didn't mean to spell 'an x-ray.' it was bad!  I'll probably not blog about that one, whew, it is one I hope to forget. Anyway, I'm sure my phone will get too full someday, but I will certainly delete other stuff first.  Some of the things these guys text are just so unbelievably funny! LOL].  Ok back to the text he sent.  I'll do some screenshots so I don't have to type it all out.

Now, you can see how funny he was.  He's bantering with me about The Professional (a previous blog) that I told him about on that initial and only date so far.

[One thing that I find very amusing about online dating, is that it never fails, when you are on a date with another online dater you both seem to have a interest in each other's previous, funny online date stories.  I always have a new, current story to tell and I have heard some real doozies as well!]

 So naturally,  I can't help but be drawn into the conversation.  I'm easy.  I know.  So the conversation continues:

Ok, so now he is back to suggesting the very first idea he had for a date even before the $25 tickets to the musical.  Let me recap.  We met at the McD's on a Monday and talked about going out again on Friday (pending my decision to go out or not).  I texted him that evening saying that I would be willing to go out with him on Friday.  He sent me an email later that night saying, he thought Friday was a long way off, and if I wanted to or could, here were a few other ideas for earlier in the week.  One of the ideas was this Phoenix Jazz Club.  I remember that he mentioned it was inexpensive (now this was before I knew he was going to ask me if I was paying or was I expecting him to pay--see Act 2 blog).  I do remember thinking it was odd that he was placing a value on the cost of the date, but just thought he was trying to say....ok, I really don't know what I thought he was trying to say.  LOL  I just do remember thinking it was kind of odd.  But, I digress.  I did note they had a vegetarian option on their menu that could easily be made vegan, so I WAS impressed with the place regardless of the prices on the menu.  It just seemed like a place with a nice atmosphere.  Something I would really enjoy.  So now, you can see from the text that I did agree to go.  

To put this conversation into a timeline.  This text conversation is occurring on a Wednesday.  We have made plans for the following Tuesday which is 6 days away.  He does complete the text conversation by saying he will touch base with me on Monday to work out the details.   

Now let me just say, it does occur to me after I commit to this date that I probably should NOT have fallen for The Actor's plan so easily.  I do clearly remember thinking that I should have at least said, "Let me think about it," and then I should have done something really smart and called someone for wise counsel, like my sister, who would offer me many good reasons why I should not let this guy waltz right back into my life AND she ALWAYS seems to know how to guide me in just how to "say" something in a kind, diplomatic way to get out of these types of messes.  See why it would have been a wise choice to call her.  [She really could make a living doing something like that.  Not sure what you would call a job like that, though.  On second thought maybe I don't want her to do that for a living.  There are a lot of jams that I do seem to get into that would end up costing me a fortune to get out of.  I wonder if I would call her more or less often if I had to pay for the advice? Although, sister (if you are reading this), your advice IS worth whatever you might choose to charge.  I better stop before I start losing ground here! Love you, sis.]  And I actually think about how smart that would be....but I also think, "If I tell my sister about this conversation, she would surely tell me 'DON'T DO IT,'" Quite frankly, I really didn't want to hear that.  So I rationalize, if I don't ask for her advice, I can't ever feel guilty that someone "told me so" when (not if) this turns out badly.  

So, I don't text or talk to The Actor from Wednesday evening until I get a text from him on Monday.  You can see what he said at the bottom of the screen:

                                                                               
So, it is Monday.  We are to touch base to make final plans for our date on Tuesday.  I like that he is going to call and talk to work out the details vs the endless texts.

So sometime after 7-ish he calls.  And you will NOT believe what he tells me.  No, he is not sick again.  BUT, he does tell me that at around the same time as he had a first meeting with me, he also had a first meeting with another lady.  He didn't realize (last week apparently, when he was texting me!) that they were going to really hit it off and so he was going to "see where it goes" with her.  She did live closer to him so it would be more convenient for them to get together.  He did say, he really hoped he was not making a mistake by not seeing if we would have been a good fit, because anyone who laughed as much as I did would sure have been fun to date, blah, blah, blah.  He had NO idea how VERY happy he had just made me at that moment!  Now, I would not have to worry about being sucked into his craziness and wily ways, if I did end up liking him.  I really do believe God was watching over me.  Taking care of me, even when I was not listening to his still, small SHOUT (which is what I believe that whole conversation I chose not to have with someone who could offer me perspective, wisdom and encouragement was).

As SO often happens, ok, let me rephrase that, as God is so faithful to do...my pastor's message was about this VERY subject!  The subject of when you don't know what to do (idk?), you should have people in your life that will speak God's wisdom and truth into your life to help you do what is right.  My Pastor also had the audacity to address the very issue of why I, at times, don't ask others for advice...it's because...I know what they will tell me and, quite frankly, I don't want to hear it!  How does my pastor DO that?  How does he seem to know what is going on in MY life, MY thoughts?  Hummm.  I am absolutely certain it is the Holy Spirit speaking God's truths to me through Godly people (like my pastor and my sister and others) in my life.   Thank you to those of you who are so very willing to speak God's truth to me in love.  I need you, even if sometimes I ACT like I don't.

Proverbs 15:22

New International Version (NIV)

Plans fail for lack of counsel,

    but with many advisers they succeed.    

To hear the awe-inspiring sermon on listening to wise counsel when idk? You can go to Heart of Life, my church's website, and look under media for the second sermon (11/17/13) in the "idk?" series.  Enjoy!

It just occurred to me that I have referenced this sermon series twice and there were just two sermons up to this point in my adventures....apparently, God is up to something good in my life as it relates to decision-making.

The Actor (Act 2)

So, on Monday, I made a decision to have a subsequent date with the Actor (see previous post) and I let him know.  He originally suggested Friday night and I agreed.  Later that evening, he sent an email saying that Friday seemed a long way off, and would I be able to go out a little sooner?  He mentioned the possibility of two places including two dates and times.  While both of the restaurants looked inviting, I had a huge school project that I needed to complete before class on Thursday evening and just couldn't make any plans for sooner than Friday.  He emailed back that he understood and would plan a date for Friday.

On Wednesday, the Actor texted me saying he wanted to talk to me whenever it was convenient.  I took a break from my studies and called him.  He told me he had something he wanted to tell me and then something he wanted to ask.  The Actor said he wanted to make me aware of the fact that he was developing cold-like symptoms and just wanted me to know in the event that the symptoms got worse, he didn't want to have to call me at the last minute and I be shocked that we couldn't go out.  I told him I appreciated his concern and hoped that the cold didn't progress into anything that would keep us from enjoying a second date, but would understand if things changed and he couldn't go out.

The Actor then said he hated to even ask me his question owing to the fact that I had made it very clear that I was a true Southern lady who doesn't even mow her own lawn (an entertaining and interesting story I will have to share with you, my blog readers, at some point), but he was going to ask anyway.  Now, when someone makes that much effort to preface their question, you know you are probably not going to like the question, but for the life of me I couldn't imagine what he was going to ask.  So he stumbled and stuttered out his question.  "Are we going to each pay our own way on this date, or were you expecting me to pay it all?"  Let me just say, I am pretty sure my stunned silence answered his question, but I could tell he was not going to let me get by without verbally answering.  So.  I slowly answered his question with the statement, "ALL of the other men I have been out with have always paid for the dates.  I really haven't ever considered that I would pay for a DATE."

Now, what is running through my mind at lightening speed were some of the following thoughts:  I had just had a discussion with my 16 year old daughter prior to her first date with a 16 year old young man that she should expect that her date values her enough to pay her way when they go out.  What on earth would give this 62 year old man that I met on a DATING website the impression that I would in any way think that we were "just friends" each paying our own way?  Even when I go out with friends, one or the other of us often picks up the entire tab.  WOW!  This was different, new and crazy.

At the same time I am having these confusing thoughts, I realize that he is telling me something.  Giving me an explanation for his crazy question, I realize.  Here is what I caught of what he was saying.  "I didn't think you would expect anything other than for me to pay, I just wanted to make sure I had budgeted enough money for the event I was planning for us on Friday."  Really?!?, I'm thinking.  A man who drives a BMW, owns a Moto Guzzi and had just a few days prior told me that he was flying his granddaughters up from Texas to go to a Chief's game one week-end, and that he had received this windfall from his motorcycle settlement for pain and suffering would need to budget for a date that he had already invited me on and was in charge of what the date would cost?  Really?!?  Just to be clear, I ALWAYS make it known to potential dates that a visit to the FREE art museum in the city closest to me (less than a few miles from where the Actor lives) is a GREAT option for a first (or subsequent) date to me.  Meandering around a museum with art is seriously my idea of a really fun date.  So if he was worried about his finances, he certainly could have impressed me with a date that cost him NOTHING and saved us both the awkward moment.  

Apparently, the Actor was thinking about getting tickets to a musical that was in town that had received rave reviews.  But the tickets were....get this....$25 a piece.  Oh my!  And he needed to budget for them if he was going to have to pay for them both.  He mumbled something about how some women insist on paying their own way and he didn't want to offend me if I was one of those women (never mind he offended my Southern roots by asking if I was expecting him to pay).   It was at that moment when it occurred to me that he really didn't have any intention of taking me on this date.  He had covered his bases by informing me that he had a "cold."  A situation that could get better or worse depending on if I were willing to pay my way or not.  Now that was a clever trick, but not in a way that was positive toward winning over a date.

So we ended the conversation with him saying that he would keep me informed about his "cold" and would let me know how things were going closer to the date on Friday.  I went ahead and took him off the calendar for Friday, in the event someone else contacted me and wanted to know a day that I was available.  And sure enough, through text over the next two days, he got amazingly sicker and sicker to the point that he was sure he had the flu.  Being the nurse that I am, and also enjoying making people "work" to weasel out of a situation, I texted him with advice on how to shorten the course of "flu" by encouraging him to see his Primary Care Provider to be tested for the flu and get an anti-viral as soon as possible.  I also offered to bring him some soup (he had given me his address to give to family so I would feel "safe" on a date with him) that he declined as he didn't want me to catch what he had.  An excuse that was quite funny to me, considering that I live in the land of "cooties" as patients literally bring me their illnesses daily.  I'm quite immune.  

Late Thursday, after I kept texting asking how he was off and on through the day, he sent a final text that said he would text me when he was "back to normal." I chuckled as I realized that he was much too far away from "normal" to ever find his way "back."

Proverbs 10:23

A fool finds pleasure in wicked schemes, but a person of understanding delights in wisdom.

The Actor

One of the more interesting characters I have had the opportunity to meet was an Actor.  Looking back, it is now hard to tell what part of the date was for real and what part may have been just a show.

The Actor contacted me through an online dating site and asked if I would be interested in meeting for coffee to see if we thought we had enough in common to go out for a subsequent date.  Although I don't drink coffee, I am always in agreement for having a simple first date of coffee (or other drink) and conversation rather than committing to a complicated dinner date that is potentially difficult to maintain a conversation through. 

The Actor lived in a nearby large city and really wanted to meet me closer to my rural home (so many of them do!) even though I tried to convince him there just was NOT a coffee shop in the town near by me, he insisted he would find a place (using Google) for us to meet.  To his dismay, but after a valiant effort, he discovered that indeed there was NOT a coffee shop or similar place in the nearby town.  Hummm, did he think I was kidding?  His suggestion was Jimmy Johns (but he had never been in one--and they are not conducive to conversation in my opinion) or anywhere else that I thought would be better.  As much as I hated to suggest it for a first date/meeting,  I pointed out that the McDonald's actually had much better seating (high back, cushioned booths) and a better drink selection than JJ's.  

He texted me that Monday a half hour before we were to meet to tell me that he had arrived earlier than expected and would be waiting in his car (a two seater, convertible, BMW) in the right hand corner of the parking lot.  As it turned out, though, he decided to go inside and wait.

I did notice the familiar BMW from his profile picture as I pulled into the parking lot. I also recognized him (although he looked heavier than his pictures) as I stepped into the McDonald's.  We introduced ourselves, hugged and ordered.  I noted that he ordered the least expensive item on the menu, an ice cream in a cup.  I would have followed suit, except that I don't eat dairy so I ordered a small fruit smoothie.

We found a booth in the far back corner and began what became a fascinating two hour conversation.  We laughed, talked, smiled, and I giggled our way through a multitude of interesting topics.  He was very easy to talk to, while also being a great listener.  Those who know me (even for a few minutes) would no doubt describe me as an animated communicator.  It was obvious that he was the same.  

During the course of the conversation, I discovered he was semi-retired from the insurance industry but still maintained/serviced a handful of clients.  He indicated that he only worked about 20 hours a MONTH on those accounts.   He told me that he lived in a exclusive part of the city.  He had a Moto Guzzi motorcycle (apparently a very expensive German brand), drove a two seat, convertible  BMW, and had just won a "pain and suffering" settlement after being hit by a drunk driver while on his previous Moto Guzzi.  It had taken him the better part of the year to recover.  What he did in his spare time was travel (day trips as well as  internationally), act in local theaters, and ride his Moto Guzzi motorcycle (of which he had a picture on his profile page).

One other odd, side job that he also engaged in was working as a Standardized Patient for the health sciences departments of local universities.  Being a Standardized Patient is quite a fascinating as well as interesting activity!  Ironically, I had the woe of encountering Standardized Patients while pursuing my Master's Degree in Nursing.  For the uninitiated, a Standardized Patient is an Actor who is given a health scenario to assume so that each student can theoretically encounter the exact same patient as their fellow students for testing purposes.  For an example, the Standardized Patient (Actor) is told to be a patient with a cough.  They have a list of answers to tell the Student (who is doing a history and physical on the patient/Actor) about the cough.  But the Standardized Patient will not reveal all the answers unless the student asks the right, probing questions.  To a student, Standardized Patients represent exams!  As the Actor and I talked, I realized that HE had actually been the Standardized Patient that I had examined for my Advanced Health Assessment final exam.  We marvels at what a crazy, small world it was!

While I enjoyed his company, there were a few things that he had shared with me, that I thought I should carefully consider before going out with him for a second date.  One had to do with his age.  He was significantly older than me (12 years).  While my late husband was 17 years older, I had been questioning if I really wanted to remarry someone with a similar age gap now that I was older.  The other area I needed to carefully consider was his commitment (or lack thereof) to spiritual growth.  He did share with me that he had gone to seminary and had pastored a church in the very distant past, but was not really involved in a church currently, even though he stated he was not opposed to attending.  I told him that I would let him know the following day, if a subsequent date was something I desired. I told him, that if I did go back out, Friday would be my first available date.

A few hours after arriving home, I decided that the fun we had talking was worth the effort to at least get to know him a little better before I made a definite decision.  I texted him my decision.  He texted back that he was happy I wanted to go out and he would come up with something fun to do on Friday.    I couldn't wait to see what the future would bring.

Do not be overawed when others grow rich,
    when the splendor of their houses increases;
for they will take nothing with them when they die,
    their splendor will not descend with them.  Psalm 49:16-17

The Unlikely Widowers

After the experience with "The Professional" and one more date through the Matchmaking Service that I haven't talked about yet (but will--he was an interesting guy),  I decided to give online dating a second try.  My thoughts were that I could probably pick a better potential mate on my own, than one the Matchmaking Service could find for me (considering their record).  So while on an extended vacation (extended because I had to have an engine replaced in my car while on vacation--that was fun!), I went back online and found a few different online sites to try besides ChristianMingle.com.  I signed up for several.  If one was good, several would have to be better, right?

The site that I have received the most responses from potential dates has ben Match.com.  In only 3 months I have met in person, four men.  Two of those I had several dates with before deciding they were not for me and have had texting and phone conversations with at least that many more besides the ones I met. They have all been unique interactions and quite interesting to talk with.

There is a curious group of men that I have encountered on these online sites that I refer to as The Unlikely Widowers. It took an encounter or two with them before I was able to spot them for what they are not--A True Widower.

Being a widow at fifty is a unique place to be in life.  It is a relatively exclusive and narrow club (thankfully!).  There is a certain reverence that even I feel for someone who has lost a mate to death versus divorce.  There is an understanding that when a young widow or widower is looking for a date, they have traversed a very distinct life experience at a much younger age than most.

Apparently, there are some men (although I'm not convinced they are always men) who like to pose as a Widower on dating sites in order to take advantage of just those venerable feelings mentioned above.  I was caught off guard with the first encounter.  But have come to an awareness of key components in their profiles that give me a hunch they are not legitimate.  Just when I think I won't fall for one again....I do.  I just did it again last night.  But at least now, I can cut off contact before I waste too much time.

Here are some keys to spotting the Unlikely Widowers.

Clues in their profile:  Their profile states they are widowers.  They usually are the most handsome dudes in your matches for the week.  They usually only have one picture in their profile (although some have 2 and one had 3).  They usually have a child or children they say they are very devoted to (not unusual in the profiles but it is what they do/say later that gives you more clues this is bogus).  Their profiles are usually written in pretty good English (which is no big deal until later contact gives other clues) OR the profile has a mixture of good English and broken English (you know, the kind that only people who's English is their second language can duplicate--tenses and word order errors--no offense to those who English is a second language, I have a great deal of respect for you--but hopefully you are not posing to be someone you are not).  Many do not put their punctuation next to the their words.  I will show you what I mean with this sentence .  See how the punctuation is not next to the word ?  It drives me crazy .  They usually report a fairly decent income (usually $75,000 to over $150,000).  Their job usually involves travel; especially travel to distant time zones.

Clues in their correspondence:  They email you and flatter you by saying how drop dead gorgeous you are and how they were amazed with your profile.  OK, now that may be true [insert a wink BIG GRIN here], but it is the thick flattery in an initial email that is the give away.  They can't get you off their mind.  They request, either in their profile or in the Match.com email they send you that they want  to get to know you right away and they either send you their phone number or request that you set up a chat so it will be "easier to talk."  They fail to ever mention those children that they are so devoted to and often downplay any questions you ask about their children.  They are usually on a business trip (to South Africa, or such) when they contact you.  Their English abilities will go from being fairly good, to very broken within the course of a few hours of texting.

I have never stayed in contact with these Unlikely Widowers for more than a day (maybe 48 hours with the first one).  The first Unlikely Widower was supposedly from Florida and was on a business trip in South Africa.  I asked him about where his children were while he was on his trip and he said they were old enough to be on their own.  At one point, I realized that if he were texting me at the time he was (10 PM my time, as I recall), that it had to be 3 AM in South Africa.  So I tell how I can't believe he is texting me when it is 3 AM where he is.  He gets confused (thinking it was 3 AM my time) and stops texting.  But then the next morning at 3 AM my time I get a text from him. Thankfully I put my phone on silent at night otherwise I would have been more than a little upset!  It was obvious he was not aware of the time difference (as he would have been if he actually lived in Florida).   I stop texting him at that point and after a few texts asking if I was going to talk to him any more (that I didn't respond to) he stops contacting me.  His texts were the first that I noticed the major inconsistencies in English ability.

A second Unlikely Widower that I had contact with, asked me about my "ex" after I told him I was a widow and he says he was a widower.  That was another BIG clue that he really was not a widow.  NO widow(er) that I have ever met has referred to their late spouse as an "ex"--that is just WRONG.

While I have never maintained contact for very long, I have read in the warnings for online dating websites that there are men who want to quickly get off of the online dating site because they are con artists and will befriend women and then ask for money to be sent to their account for some sad story such as a child that needs surgery and their money (all that gobs of money they report making) is tied up.  Apparently they ask for your bank info so they can pay you back or some non-sense.

There have been a few who I really couldn't tell if they were for real or not.  My philosophy has been:  If in doubt, they are out!  Better safe than sorry.  Although for the LIFE of me, I can NOT figure out why a woman would give them money or account info.

As we learned from our Pastor a few weeks ago....it takes the wisdom that we can only get from God's Word to discern those who are leading us toward danger.

Below is a verse from one of the chapters he talked about.  To hear/see the whole sermon go to Heart of Life or the direct link to the sermon idk? sermon series--choose 11/10/13 Enjoy!

Proverbs 2:12-15

New International Version (NIV)

Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
    from men whose words are perverse,
who have left the straight paths
    to walk in dark ways,
who delight in doing wrong
    and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
whose paths are crooked
    and who are devious in their ways.

The Professional

So the first date was over and as instructed by the Matchmaking Service I called them to give my feedback regarding the match.  They asked me to give three things I liked about the match and three ways I would like the next match to be different.  One criteria I mentioned I would prefer was that the next match be a professional (doctor, lawyer, nurse, pharmacist, engineer, attorney, accountant, CEO, CFO, etc).  After giving feedback, I waited four weeks; then the Service called with my next match.

When the Service called they told me my next match was a 6'0" tall Christian, a professional (I didn't ask WHAT profession, but I should have!) and he likes to travel.  Four of my top priorities.  I am hopeful.

My second date's name is Gary (also my brother's name) and he called shortly after I finished speaking with the Service.  It was about 8 PM.  I was in the middle of a school project but took the call as I knew it would only take about five minutes to set our date, per Matchmaker service guidelines.  Boy, was that a mistaken assumption!

I quickly realized he was a talker.  Immediately he mentioned the town that I live in (info given to him by the Matchmaking Service) and said he knew EXACTLY where it was.  Then he said, "as a matter of fact, I am driving by your town RIGHT now."  Hummm, creepy.  I found out he WAS in fact a professional.  A professional truck driver that is.  There seemed to be a disconnect between what I told the service I was looking for and this match. He explained he was on a haul to Arkansas and would be coming back through in the morning.  He told me all about his divorce, ex-wife, children, that his daughter is a nurse (like I am), how his dad died (with a piece of food in his mouth--I am not kidding!  I don't make this stuff up!), how many siblings he has, why he chose truck driving over staying at the dairy farm, etc, etc.

Anytime he asked me a question, it was obvious that it was for the sole purpose of either buying time to think of something else to say, or to add a new thought to the conversation so he could have something to talk about.  One question he asked me was if I had any siblings.  I told him that I did.  My two sisters lived in and around Baton Rouge.  I had a brother that lived in Dallas and a second brother that was a missionary in Rwanda.  He immediately replied,  "Hummm, I have been to ALL of those places."   I am feeling somewhat impressed as I have not even been to Rwanda.  "I was in a truck stop in all of those places, except that last one you said."  I think, all except the last one, because I'm pretty sure you don't even know where it is!

He asked about my work.  Wanted to know where. When I was working next (which I did not tell him!).  If I lived in town or outside of town (again I don't answer this).

He gets a brilliant idea.  Why don't we meet up in the morning at the hospital where I work (as he assumed I was working the next day?!?) as he is coming back home from his haul?  Perfect, right?  No.  That won't work for me I tell him.  Then he realizes he will be in his big rig and he probably won't have anywhere to park it, anyway.  Then he thinks that maybe it would be a good idea if, when we do meet, we eat at a restaurant in my town so that when we get finished, if we still want to talk, we go back to my place.  Is he kidding me?  I absolutely insist that there are NO good restaurants in my town.  And besides, I like to get out of town when I go out for an evening.  Get out as far away from my house as I can so people like you cannot figure out where I live and make a surprise visit, I think.

Twenty-one minutes later (but who was keeping time, right?), which is sixteen minutes longer than the Matchmaking Service states we are to talk on that first phone call (I tend toward following the rules), he said to me that "we will pick a date and time for our first meeting later!"  WHAT?!?  I have endured all of this and we still do not have a date set?

And if I thought it couldn't get any worse, well it does.  Before we hang up (at my prompting) he tells me, "I can tell I am going to like you already." REALLY?!?  I can only guess it is because I am a good listener, because other than knowing the three places my family lives, he didn't know squat about me!

There was just something wrong about this encounter.  Wrong on so many levels.  I decided to wait until the next week to do anything about the situation as it was a holiday weekend coming up and I was going out of town.  While on vacation, I am encouraged by my family to call the Matchmaking Service and report him and tell the service I am not going out with him.

I come back into town with a renewed determination to just get this date over with.  I text him suggesting a place to meet in a town 30 miles away and offer three possible times.  He texts back that he is getting ready to leave on a haul and would I please call him back tomorrow.  ACK!  Can we please get this over with?  Later that evening, much later, like between 11 PM and midnight, he sends me a text.  Would I want him to pick me up on his way past my house, take me to Arkansas on a haul with him and bring me back the next morning?  Seriously????  I don't even know his last name, what he looks like or ANYTHING (except useless trivia) about him.  I reply,  "No. I am studying."  EGADS!!!  That is it.  Now I know I will not go out with him.  At. All.

I call the Matchmaking Service the next morning and report his behavior.  The matchmaker has to confer with a supervisor and then comes back and tells me I will have to let Greg know that I don't want to go out with him.  So, I do.  I send a text saying it was offensive that he would even ask me to go overnight with him to Arkansas when I didn't even know him and I had contacted the Service and they wanted him to call them.  There.  It was back on them.  He texts me back saying how he didn't mean anything by it and could we still go out.  Then he calls me and leaves a voicemail saying if I still want to go out he would be glad to take me.   Blah, Blah, Blah.   I ignore all contact and thankfully he disappears.

There was some apprehension on my part for a while as I had the thought, "What if he were a stalker?"  I did notify local friends in the area so they would be aware.  Thankfully, nothing ever came of it.

One thing this encounter taught me, was the importance of letting friends and family know what is going on while I am having such encounters.  I have been particularly blessed that, locally, my Pastor is very willing to talk to me, offer advice, encourage me to not get discouraged and also offer to confront any men that I am uncomfortable with (he reminds me all the time he has a gun and will be willing to show it if necessary.  Further from my home, I have my mom who I try to keep informed of who I am going on a date with, where we will be and any pertinent information about the time I am away.   My sister, again, further away physically, but who can always think of the nicest, firmest way to convey a difficult concept to another person.  I could have made some difficult situations worse had it not been for the tactful advice she has offered.  Also, locally are other friends who listen to my dilemmas, offer advice and don't say "we told you so" when I don't always follow what they have to say.  

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)

My First, First Date

So I arrived at Applebee's for my first date with George.  I was right on time.  I got out of the car and realized I had no idea what he looked like or even what he would be wearing.  I supposed, I would just have to go in and see if there was a man in there that was looking for some yet unknown-to-him woman.  I guessed I could always text or call him and see who answered his phone.

I noted that there was only one person waiting for a table when I walk into the lobby area.  So when I went in and the hostess asked me about being seated, I explain that I was supposed to meet a gentleman here and I didn't know if he was here yet or not.  The only gentleman in the lobby got up, came over and asked if I was "The Widow" and introduced himself as George.  We shook hands which felt very awkward, like we are about to have a business meeting, but it all happened so quickly.  The hostess began her movement toward the dining area and we quickly followed.

So this was my date.  My FIRST date.  Later, it occurred on me that his date would not be momentous because it was my first date with George (sorry about that George), but it was significant to me because it was my first time going on a date with a stranger in more than 20 years.  Ironically, this memorable event was occurring in the most common and ordinary of places.  Applebee's.   As I was walking to my seat it hit me.  How....unreal....surreal this moment was.  Could this really be happening?

I pulled myself back into the present where I was on my first date with George.  I quickly sized him up physically.  He couldn't possibly be 5'9'.  I am only 5'5" plus my 2 inch heels made me as tall as him.  Hummmm, somehow the math doesn't add up.  [I have since learned that in the same way that women fib about their true weight--shaving off a few pounds--men generally add a few inches to their height.  Just an FYI for you ladies looking for a gentleman of a particular height.]  He did have hair, as I requested, albeit not much.  But there was hair on top.  

As soon as we sat down and ordered our drinks, the conversation began to flow. He was a great communicator.  Sharing about himself.  Asking about me.  Listening.  Talking.  I quickly realized that we only had a very few things in common.  Most of the things we did have in common had to do with our church, mission's interest and spiritual growth.  All very positive things to have in common, but certainly not the only things necessary for a marriage partnership.

It became very apparent the interests he was hoping his future wife would share with him involved being outdoors together.  Not really just being outside, but doing activity outdoors.  Cycling, camping, hiking, running, etc, etc, other outdoor activities that involve exertion.  Anyone who knows me for even a few minutes knows that the day Gillette came out with their famous slogan in 1984, they simultaneously bestowed upon me my motto for life:  "Never let them see you sweat!"  While Gillette's solution was to use their antiperspirant Dry Idea, my answer has always remained--just don't do anything that would cause you to sweat in the first place!

Other noteworthy differences included the following.  He liked the mountains for vacation.  I like the beach.  He liked the West Coast.  I like the East.  He loved living in a colder climate.  I want to retire somewhere hot.  [Ok, for all you who think this does not reconcile with the "sweat" motto.  Let me explain.  Being in a hot climate forces you to stay indoors where you can enjoy the pleasures of reading, movies, shopping, internet, etc.  If one DOES find themselves outside they will quickly find water (pool/beach) to cool off--in which case, no one CAN see you sweat because you are wet.  It works.  Trust me, it's the motto I live by.  I've perfected it.] His schedule was such that he was busy on the days I was off and off on the days I had activities. It was apparent he really only tolerated his job, whereas I am enamored with my career and appreciate others who feel the same.

As our date was coming to an end, it became apparent that we were not a good match at all.  I will say we gave it our best effort and time (2 hours) to find some things in common, but alas, it was obvious we were mostly on opposite ends of the spectrum.

One thing I did discover on this first date, but would not realize until multiple first dates later, was that every first date seems to harbor a curiosity about the circumstances of my late husband's death,  while also fearing they will upset me by talking/asking about it.  So now, I usually say early in the conversation (when it seems appropriate) that I don't mind questions about him or his death at any time they want to know.  It seems to ease the tension that I feel they have about tip-toeing around the subject for fear I might cry (which I suspect would be a gentleman's worst nightmare-come-true for a first date).  And as an aside, I made sure I was past "crying at the drop of a hat" before I even started dating to begin with.

Even though I thought I was keeping my nervous feelings under control, apparently I was not.
Surprise hit me when George asked me if this was my first date.  Was it THAT obvious? Wow.  I thought I was a tab bit better at hiding my jitters. Then he said the matchmaker service seems to match him with women on their first date with the service.  He thought it was because people gave him a good report about how easy he was to talk to and someone "safe." So...maybe he really didn't notice how nervous I was.  Maybe I can just keep believing it was only a lucky guess on his part.  Do you mind?

So the date ended.  We walked out of the restaurant and George stepped in for a hug/embrace.  Actually twice.  Hugging on the first date just seemed very strange to me.   That was not the only time I have been caught off guard by this "custom."  More surprisingly, most gentlemen have started the first date with a hug.  It's not sensual.  More like the kind of hug you would give someone of the opposite sex at church.  Still, it just seems strange to me.  Is this something new?  If it is, how did gentleman my age figure it out while I am still clueless?  Is it a Mid-Western way vs. a Southern way?  All my dating prior to now was in the South.  I have no other point of reference.  [I do know there are some very distinctly different thoughts about how some common activities are completed between here and there, so this is not out of the realm of possibilities.]

To my relief, I survived my first date as a widow.  It really wasn't that bad.  I am thankful to God for so many positives of this dating experience.  Thankfully, George was easy to talk to--no awkward silence, no babbling on and on.  I am thankful there were enough things NOT in common that I wasn't confused about whether he might be a possibility or not. Thankfully, God is growing me in my dependance on Him day by day.  Thankfully, He is teaching me more about Himself in the process.

Thankfully I didn't find "the one" on my first date, otherwise, I wouldn't have all these great stories/adventures to treasure and share.  Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever.  Psalm 107:1NIV

First Date Jitters

So within a week after signing up for the Matchmaker Service, I get my first call.  Josie, the matchmaker on the other end of the call says, "Hi Susan.  We have a match for you."  I scramble around for a piece of paper and pen so I can jot down the stats.  The matchmaker quickly rattles off:  His name is George (I immediately think of my dad who is named the same, hummm).   He lives in [suburb of nearby city].  He's 5'9" tall.  Has brown hair and brown eyes.  He has one daughter that is grown and out of the house.  He is a Christian and attends church weekly (sounds good, but I think about how little this tells me if he doesn't share my spiritual beliefs). Then there is the litany of activities he enjoys.  I note a few of them as camping, cycling, running, golfing, etc, etc, etc outdoor activities.

I agree to the match and Josie tells me that she will call George and if he agrees to the match she will give him my phone number and he will call me.

Josie calls back to let me know that George has agreed and that he will be calling me in a few days.  I take a few minutes to look at my calendar to see what evening and week-end dates I have open and available.  OK, it looks like any day in the next 7 days will work.  Sad, but true.

The next evening I get a call from George.  I was incredibly nervous but trying not to sound like it.  He sounded very nice and polite.  I notice right away how easy he was to talk to.  We set a date and time.  He wanted to come to a restaurant close to where I live and I would rather go to [a town] (half way between).  He says he will see what is available in [a town near me] and text me with the chosen restaurant.  The next day he suggests Applebee's.  I agree and we are set.

I immediately go out and buy a new blouse to wear with my jeans.  Any excuse to get something new, right?  I call my hairdresser and schedule an appointment to have my hair trimmed and styled the day of my date.  Everything seems to be working out.

He calls me the day before the date and tells me he has a boss coming in from somewhere far away and the boss wants to go out to eat the evening of our date.  He is very sorry, but he has to take care of work.  I understand that!  So we set the date for the next night.  Now my hair won't be as beautiful as my hairdresser makes it, but it will still be trimmed.

While getting my hair styled I tell my hairdresser about the date change and she offers to have me come by her house before my date the next evening so she can style my hair.  She is the best!

So I get dressed that evening.  Change clothes as I don't think I like the new blouse.  Then think I don't have enough color on so go back and change back into the new blouse.  I am SO nervous!

On my way to my hairdresser's house I begin to panic.  What if something happens and she can't style my hair.  I should have at least made it look presentable, in case.  Wow, could I be any more nervous that I am right now? But sure enough, my hairdresser is there and performs her magic!  I leave and am able to leisurely make my way to Applebee's.

Did I mention how VERY nervous I am as I arrive at Applebee's for my date?

Another way

After closing the first online site that I signed up for, I began searching the web for an alternative to finding men to date.  Surely there had to be another way.  And if there was, I was determined to find it.

I came across an online advertisement for a matchmaking service called Kansas Singles (apparently they are in other states as well).  The idea behind the service is that all the potential dates are screened for you and then are matched to your predetermined specifications.  This sounded like a viable option for me.  I wouldn't have to spend my time scouring the profiles online and setting up searches.  This, for me, seemed like a good idea.

I made initial contact with the company online.  They called and made an appointment for a face to face meeting at their office.  I went through about an hour long interview process where I answered questions that supposedly evaluated me to see if I was psychologically fit to be dating the men in their system (at least I think that is what they were evaluating).  Some of the questions the counselor asked included:  Why I was considering dating at this point in my life.  Where else I had looked for dates (church, friends, online, work, etc) and why I didn't think that any of those avenues would work for me.  Where I was in my grieving process.  What I was hoping to gain from the service (a marriage partner was apparently the right answer).  I must say I was impressed with the thoroughness.  She assured me that they ask all their clients these questions.

I asked her about the type of clients they have and she assured me they were professional men (doctors, surgeons, lawyers, engineers, pharmacists, etc) who, like me, didn't want to be online but didn't have opportunity in their life to meet quality women (which I guess she was implying that I was? Hahaha).  I was also concerned that there might not be any or be a limited number of men who shared my commitment to my spiritual beliefs.  Again she assured me there were many.

She then left the room to go and "talk to her supervisor" by phone to get his approval.  She also ran a background check and credit check.  She came back and said I was approved.  She did tell me that they do not approve everyone.  Once there was a guy who had tattoos all over his body (arms, legs, head, etc) and they did not approve him even though the other areas checked out.  She said she tries to keep in mind the kind of men she would like to see her friends and daughters date.  That sounded reasonable.

Next came the explanation about how, exactly, the service works.  You are assigned to a matchmaker.  They will match you with a man in their system based on the criteria that I provided.  When they had a match for me, they would call me and tell me about him.  I would have the option of saying yes or no, but she encouraged me to always say yes unless there was a HUGE compelling reason why I couldn't or wouldn't go out with him.  Keep in mind the man they describe should already match the criteria that I had set.  If I say yes, then they would call the man and tell him about me.   If he accepted, they would give him my phone number and he would call me to arrange the date.  We were supposed to talk for only about 5 minutes on that phone call, just enough time to set a date.  They didn't want us to start making a judgment about the other person until we had actually met in person.  After the date, I was to call the service back.  Tell them some things I liked about the person and some things I would like differently for the next date.  The idea is that they use the information to narrow down my options until they help me find the right one.  Assuming we didn't hit it off, I would be put back in the rotation for a future match in 2-3 weeks. If we did hit it off and had planned another date, I would be taken out of the rotation until I let them know.  I must say what I learned really appealed to me in terms of ease of use on my part, considering where I was in my schooling and life (living in a rural area where there are few available male options).  So basically they were arranging a series of blind dates for me until I found "the one."

I agreed this was something I wanted.  Saw the price tag.  Nearly choked.  But ultimately thought it was worth the cost, wrote them a check (which they didn't want to accept--as they wanted a credit card--but did), signed the contract, answered even MORE questions about myself, what I wanted and didn't want, had my picture taken (not for the clients but for the matchmaker) and left knowing I was now in a good place as it related to my dating life.  All that was left was for me to wait for my matchmaker to call me with my first match and hopefully he would be SO fantastic, we would fall madly in love and for the rest of my life I could brag about how much I paid to have this one date with him.  I was feeling very optimistic for the first time in a long time.

The (not so) ideal man

So, I was now officially a member of the online dating world.  Time to explore who was out their awaiting me and me them.

I took some time to take a few 'hold the iPhone at arms length' pictures to add to my profile.  I didn't realize that all pictures have to be approved by 'someone who monitors the site,' before my pics would show up.  Before the pictures were approved, there were men sending messages requesting photos.  I guess I didn't do such a bad job describing myself after all, huh?  

With pictures posted and approved, I now set out to plug in some search parameters and see who would be a good match.  Remember all those multiple choice questions that I had to select from in creating my profile?  Well, now I could decide which of those qualities I would want in a match. 

Some of the choices I made were:  Ht 5'11 to over 7' (I like tall men so I can wear my high heels and still not be looking eye to eye), someone within 50 mile radius of my location (that at least gets me to Kansas City), non-smoker, non- or social drinker, OK if they have children (really wouldn't be fair to knock someone out of the running over child(ren) since I am expecting they will also accept my child), body type of 'slim' to 'a few extra pounds,' for hair color I selected all except 'bald'  (I do like my man with hair), etc., etc., etc.  I figured, if I were dreaming, I might as well make him a tall, dark, handsome, rich and committed Christian.  I mean, why not?  I knew I could always change the parameters later if no one showed up on the list. 

So I hit the send button and to my astonishment......this man who lives in my very own town showed up as my most likely match.  Oh, WOW!  This was NOT what I was expecting.  In fact, I was horrified!  The man staring back at me from my computer screen was no other than a man that I KNEW  had molested a child!!!!  I was AGHAST!  It quickly dawned on me, if I could see that he was on here looking for a date, then he could see I was on here as well.  If this man, with his dirty, little secrete was on ChristianMingle.com, how could I trust any of the men whose faces were staring at me, saying they were a good match.  I began looking for the delete button and I promptly removed my profile.  Wow, all that work (that I should have been putting into a school project?) vaporized in a moment of reality.  

Well, that was certainly not how I had envisioned my first online dating experience to be.  Over before it even started.  I began to wonder if this really was the best option for me.  Surely there had to be a better, safer way to meet men to date.  Clearly I need to do a little more research before I proceeded down the online dating path.   

Options (continued)

After deciding what options were NOT good for finding a date, I began thinking about what WOULD be a good option.  My thoughts turned to a new friend that I had recently met at the clinic I was working in. A few weeks prior, I went to a wedding shower for her and it was there that I discovered she met her husband-to-be on ChristianMingle.com.  I decided that maybe online dating would be a good option for me as well.

So, on that random Saturday, while working on a school project, I took a short break from my studies and typed the words ChristianMingle.com into my web browser.  There was the offer to join for free.  So I started typing.  There was a combination of questions regarding email address, user name, password, birthdate, Name, Zip Code.  The requested information gradually became more personal.   Height?  Surprisingly no question about weight, but had to choose your body type, such as 'Athletic' 'Slim' 'Average' 'A few extra pounds,' etc.  I began to see where people could easily mis-identify themselves.  Who of us doesn't want to believe we are skinnier or richer than we really are? Then the question of income range (yet another opportunity to deceive).  Singleness status? Such as 'Never Married' 'Divorced' 'Widowed' Occupation?  Do you have children?  Do they live at home? I kept typing or checking off boxes.  Why type of church did you grow up in?  What type of church do you attend now?  What type of ministry are you involved in?  How do you define yourself as a Christian?  This was interesting.  There were choices such as 'It defines who I am' to 'I am trying to decide.'  What?  I thought this was a place Christians came to mingle?  This did not make sense.  But I made my choice (It defines who I am) and moved on.  The question about how often you attend church was just as disturbing.  From 'Weekly' to 'Never'.  Hummm?

Next came the all important 'Who am I and what am I looking for' paragraph.  Wow.  How exactly does one tell potential dates who they are and what they are like in a few hundred characters?  That is at least as difficult if not more difficult than describing what you are looking for in a potential date.  [At this point I am wondering why I thought this would be a good break/distraction from my school project!]

The final part is submitting some photos of yourself.  Well, now.  I am usually the one behind the camera, so not too many (dare I say, not ANY that are flattering) pics of myself to post.  When you try to skip this part, you get a warning that people do not look at profiles if you don't have a picture posted.  I'm sure that is true.  But I certainly didn't want unflattering pictures of me posted.  So I began plotting how I was going to get some good current photos of myself, without letting anyone know that I had signed up for online dating.

So far, this online option was my secret.  A place to escape to so I could quietly find the Christian man of my dreams.  I really couldn't wait to surprise my family and friends with the story of the date-of-my-dreams that I had just taken the time to define!  What could there be about this new adventure that wouldn't be fun?

Options

One Saturday, 18 months out from 'the event' which was six months after my self appointed timetable to begin dating, I was sitting on my bed working on a school project.   When working on a school project, my brain just seems to scream at me, "Do something else! Something FUN!"  So, while I was "taking a break" from my school project, I decided to create a plan for finding some men (or at the least 'a' man) to date.

I won't lie.  I had been looking around for some time at the men (or potential men) in my life and well, quite frankly, there just weren't any.

I really am opposed to work place romance.  Way too complicated and uncomfortable.  Especially if things don't work out (and often even if they do!).  I actually quit a job once (in my distant pre-marriage days) because the discomfort I felt with a co-worker that I was no longer dating. While I would like to think I am older and wiser and wouldn't have to quit over something like that, I really didn't care to find out.

I don't go to bars.  While I am not opposed to others having the occasional drink, my late husband was a recovering alcoholic so we never drank.  And we certainly didn't hang out in bars.  [OK, true confession time.  I have only been in two bars in my life--not counting the restaurants with 'bar & grill' in their  name.  Once with an exchange student's family when I was in High School--mom, did you know about that?--and the other was with an Adult Bible Study group.  We went to eat steak.  At Christmastime.  There is just something not right with both of those.]  Never-the-less, I really didn't see the sense in starting to bar hop at the ripe old age of fifty!

The only other place that I frequent on a regular basis is Church.  [If you were thinking grocery store or shopping, you were WAY off.  I go to Church much more regularly than to any place to shop as I enjoy the experience of Church significantly more!]  Church seems like the most logical place to find a potential date.  The likelihood that your mate will hold the same values and beliefs should be greater, but....  Most of the people I know at church, also knew my late husband.  In fact, many of them only knew 'of' me, but they 'knew' him.  Our church has three campuses.  My late husband was instrumental in getting the campus that my daughter and I attend up and going.  While it is the smaller of the three campuses, it is the one closest to my home so that is where I choose to attend.  It just seemed 'weird' to me to seek out potential dates among men that were my late husband's friends.  So, that option seemed closed.

So where do 50 year-old, Christian women go to find the love of their life?  What ARE her options?  That was what I really needed to figure out, on that random day when I was supposed to be working on a project for school.

A Delay

At about the sixth month mark following 'the life altering event' that led me to entertaining thoughts of remarriage, I was anxiously awaiting the first year to be over so I could start dating.  Never mind that at six months there were still days that I couldn't stop crying. This occurred most the day on some days, and happened more regularly than I wanted to acknowledge.  Just think how fun I would have been as a dating partner at that point?  Six months into widowhood was obviously not long enough for me to have adequately grieved nor to have allowed my daughter the time she needed.

So waiting for a year to be up before heading into the dating scene, was really one of the best pieces of advice that I received AND chose to follow.

Then that first anniversary that I couldn't wait to come and dreaded all at the same time, finally arrived.

My daughter and I spent the days prior to and on the anniversary of his death coming back from a mission trip to Taiwan.  [Incidentally, it was 5 days after a trip to Taiwan the previous year that my husband died of a Pulmonary Embolism.  Returning to Taiwan was a bittersweet reminder of that event but also served as a chance for my daughter and me to show ourselves that WE were capable of making a trip like this together.  I am truly thankful for all the spiritual support we had on that trip.]




The trip came while I was on a short break from my newest, latest escape from reality--graduate school.  (It dawned on me one day that I tend to dive into school when I am feeling overwhelmed with life.  How crazy is that!?!)  I had just completed my first summer semester and was headed into the first Fall semester of a Master's of Science in Nursing degree.  I quickly learned that the first Fall semester is the 'weeding' semester, so I had NO time to even think about anything but Advanced Nursing Assessment, Diagnostic Reasoning, Pathophysiology and some other class I can't even remember now.  That was the craziest, most insane four months of my entire life!
[Let me just insert right here, that the death of my husband/her father qualifies as THE WORST event EVER in my life.  Nothing else even comes close as a comparison.  So let's just put it in its own category and all the other comparisons I make from here on out are against everything else in my life, but not the death! Deal.]

So my first, actual, serious thoughts about dating didn't occur until I was well past the 18 month mark.  It is amazing how God orchestrates our lives, often saving us from ourselves.  Also, I think at that point, my daughter thought she was not going to have to deal with her mother's escapade into dating.  Little did she know, my determination would rear its ugly head well before the second year was up.

The Decision

Prior to 'the event' that changed my world from being a happily married woman to a grieving widow, I never thought once about what dating in the 21st century would be like.

Fortunately, my late husband and I were not afraid to talk about those usually difficult subjects, such as, 'what if you die?' or 'what if I die?'  We had both agreed having someone else to share and enjoy the remainder of our years together would be what we would want for the other.  Because we did have those conversations (on numerous occasions through the years) it didn't feel awkward when I began having thoughts of remarriage after his death.  Naturally, with thoughts of remarriage came thoughts of dating.

Contemplating dating brought with it many decisions.  The first of those decisions was the timing.  When would be a good time to start the process.

When?  I knew from past life experiences, watching friends, and grief support groups that I should not even begin to consider dating until I had given myself at least a year to grieve.  So, as much as my heart (at times) lead me to thinking about filling that empty void with a romantic relationship, I decided to postpone dating until after the first anniversary of his death.  And boy am I ever glad I made that all important decision!

Little did I know how complicated and adventurous, all intertwined into one, dating in the 21st century could be.