The Therapist

First, let me start out by stating the obvious.  There are ALL KINDS of men who go on dates!!!  I'm not sure why this axiom has taken me by such surprise, but it has! I have had the pleasure(?) of meeting men with every imaginable past and even some that I never imagined while on this dating journey.

Having past experiences really is not the problem.  We ALL have a past.  For some (even those who have never married by age 50), former relationships are difficult to move past because of the grief, anger or pain resulting from death, break-up, distance or abandonment of people who were a significant part of their lives.  Others (which also includes almost everyone) have people for whom they are currently responsible (such as, children), feel a future responsibility for (thinking about those aging parents), or wish they did not have responsibility for (like irresponsible family members).  While relationships are a part of every aspect of life there are also unique issues that surround work, retirement (how it is to be funded or the lack of funding), debt, housing, and the list can go on and on.  The point is, we ALL bring our unique background experiences when we arrive for those first and subsequent dates.  

Honestly, I didn't think I was being unreasonable in my expectations.  I really thought MOST people desired to enter into their new potential lifetime relationships with judicious care.  Seriously, who really thinks beginning a new relationship with all of their hefty, ragged, beat up baggage in tow is a good idea?  

Apparently, unlike myself, many men must believe that a date must somehow enjoy the  responsibility of helping them work through their past hurts and hang-ups.  If you recall from my very first post (The Decision), I purposefully chose to wait at least a year following my husband's death to start dating.  And when I mention in that post that past life experiences, grief support and watching friends aided me in making that all important decision...the implication (and reality) is that I actually spent time and effort working through the issues by seeing a counselor, attending grief support meetings, as well as, asking trusted friends and family members to point out areas that they perceived needed attention.  Problems don't just resolve on their own.  If you had ever willed and caused a leaky faucet and/or broken internet connection and/or any other variety of breaks in life to just take care of themselves then I would already have heard about it because you would be rich and famous for doing something that has never been done before!  It takes dedicated thought, reflection, introspection, spiritual guidance from God's Word and others, as well as time, to unload, repair and spruce up that baggage brought on by our past.

Because I have made the effort to allow people in my life (OTHER THAN my dates!) to guide me toward healing and seek out resources to aid in healing, I kind-of would like to date someone who has also been serious about working through their hurts.  Is that too much to ask?

It really becomes emotionally exhausting for me to always be expected to play the part of The Therapist while on a date.  

Keep in mind that a large part of the work I do as a nurse is spent listening to people's hurts and woes.  For me, listening to my patient's stories is an incredible, scared trust that I find to be an immensely gratifying aspect of my role as a nurse.  I am, quite honestly, very accustomed to hearing intimate details of a stranger's (think, new patient) life and am rarely shocked at any story I'm told (and if I am caught off guard, I know how to NOT show it on my face).

Maybe it is because I AM such a good listener (I've been told on numerous dates) that I have been entrusted with a big variety of stories that many dates have told me about their lives.  On more than one occasion, I have been told by a date, "I can't believe I am telling you this...I have never told anyone this before."  While it is somewhat flattering (I think?) to be thought of as a good listener (for anyone who knows how much I like to talk, you will understand how hard I have worked to achieve this level of success) for a date, where I am looking at the person in front of me as a potential marriage partner (that is the reason I am dating after all), I want someone who has at least made an effort to work through their pasts and presents (as the case may be for some) on their own prior to dating.  I really don't want to spend my life (or even just my dates) playing the roll of The Therapist.  

At one point, I remember telling my sister, "Well, at least I get a dinner as payment for the time spent being The Therapist."  But it quickly dawned on me, if that is my payment, then I am probably the least paid therapist ever!  So far, no gentleman has not spent more than fifty dollars (but usually about $30 and several dates spent far less--less than $5) on MY portion of the date and, with the exception of one date that lasted less than 30 minutes (but told me enough that I could write an entire post about!), most of the dates have lasted at least one and a half to two hours.  So if you divide what was spent by the hours I spent being The Therapist, well, no, it really is NOT worth it.  

Now, if I can just figure out how to recognize the men (before I go out) who have already unloaded the worst of their baggage and don't need ME to be The Therapist. 

Psalm 34:6

New Living Translation (NLT)

In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
    he saved me from all my troubles. 

The Surgeon (continued)

On the Saturday after Graduation, I woke up and realized that I had agreed to CALL The Surgeon that morning.  I HATE making phone calls!  I waited a few hours to see if maybe he would actually call me (but that wasn't the agreement, so I was not holding out hope that he would call) and when I had not heard from him by 11 am, I mustered up all the courage I could and placed the call to the number he had given me when we talked last (Tuesday evening).

I dialed the number and the phone rang.  And rang.  And rang. And then went to voicemail.  I HATE leaving messages even more than I hate dialing a number.  I am really just not able to be concise when leaving a voicemail (kind of like how I am when writing a blog, or talking to a friend, or giving instructions to patients, or....anything else that involves using words).  So I leave my usual rambling message that includes who I am, why I am calling, my number, when I will be available to take a call, etc.  I hang up and decide not to focus on why he is not taking my call after he had asked me to call him.

A few hours pass and I got a text.  It was from The Surgeon!  He told me that he was between emergent surgeries and had just listened to my voicemail.  He stated his observation that my phone number was from a rural town outside of the major Midwest city that he lives in.  He wanted to know if I really lived there.  I send back a text saying that I do indeed live in the rural town, and that I am very used to driving into the major Midwest city.  In fact, I say, I drive there several times per week, it is not a big deal to me.  After a few minutes, I get a reply.  What The Surgeon says in the reply astounds me.  I have to read it several times to actually take it all in....to really grasp the implications of what he is saying.

The text I read was as follows:  I'll have to pass on the date because I need to try and develop a relationship with someone near to where I live.  I am always on call and need to be 20 mins from my hospital for surgical availability.  I told the date company this specifically and this scenario happened once before with a match who lived an hour southeast of where I live.  I'm not clear why the company did not keep this parameter in consideration.  Sorry for the mix up.  Best wishes!

After reading and re-reading the text I realized that the possibilities of dating The Surgeon had just  vanished into thin air.  I had to mentally return all the items I had already imagined I would purchase with half a million dollars a year.  I had to come back from those fanciful and fabulous vacations that would never happen.  Just being honest here!  I also felt it necessary to remind God that He would be on his own for the $50,000.00+ dollars of tithe per year that I would be unable to give in the future. Quite honestly, I DO think God laughed in that moment.  I mean really gave a BIG belly laugh as He shook His head ever so slightly at the foolishness of my thoughts.  As though, I would have the audacity to think He (GOD) needed MY (or The Surgeon's or anyone else's) money!  Really!?!

So two weeks after I was first told about the possibility of a date with The Surgeon (which was also ten days before Christmas and one day after graduation, but who's counting?), all the excitement that I had felt about having a date with someone that I might actually have a chance of building a relationship with ebbed away.  Someone who met many of the criteria I was looking for in a date (handsome, 6 foot tall, gentleman, has hair and a professional) was clearly outside of my reach as I did not meet a vitally important parameter for him.

I was bummed.  It has taken a little time to mentally re-adjust my thoughts.  How very easily I can move ahead of myself with my hopes and dreams.  So, writing about The Surgeon has been (painfully) slow as I have been licking the wounds that I alone created by jumping ahead of myself and more importantly, God.  God has taught me so many valuable lessons through this.  Rather than share all the lessons He is teaching me at once (after all it is not your fault that I have gotten myself in this quagmire), I will leave you with two scriptures that have come to mind over the past few weeks.

No explanation needed as to what God was telling me with this scripture:

Pride is the first step toward destruction. Proud thoughts will lead you to defeat.

Proverbs 16:18 (ERV)

Ouch!

While God's Word does speak for itself, what God reminded me when I read the next verses is that He (God) owns it ALL.  He doesn't NEED what I think I have to offer Him.  It is already His!  On the contrary, He is ready, willing and able to provide ALL I need.  He really is a good God!

He is the God who made the world and everything in it.  Since He is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn't live in man-made temples, and human hands can't serve His needs--for He has no needs.  He Himself gave life and breath to everything, and He satisfies every need.  Acts 17:24-25 (NIV)

My prayer:  God, teach me to rely on you.  Help me to trust you to provide all I need: materially, emotionally, relationally and spiritually.  Help me to find my satisfaction in you.  Help me not jump ahead in my thoughts, choosing thoughts of pride for what I can imagine may be mine over thoughts of You--the absolutely greatest treasure.  You are all I need!