The Therapist

First, let me start out by stating the obvious.  There are ALL KINDS of men who go on dates!!!  I'm not sure why this axiom has taken me by such surprise, but it has! I have had the pleasure(?) of meeting men with every imaginable past and even some that I never imagined while on this dating journey.

Having past experiences really is not the problem.  We ALL have a past.  For some (even those who have never married by age 50), former relationships are difficult to move past because of the grief, anger or pain resulting from death, break-up, distance or abandonment of people who were a significant part of their lives.  Others (which also includes almost everyone) have people for whom they are currently responsible (such as, children), feel a future responsibility for (thinking about those aging parents), or wish they did not have responsibility for (like irresponsible family members).  While relationships are a part of every aspect of life there are also unique issues that surround work, retirement (how it is to be funded or the lack of funding), debt, housing, and the list can go on and on.  The point is, we ALL bring our unique background experiences when we arrive for those first and subsequent dates.  

Honestly, I didn't think I was being unreasonable in my expectations.  I really thought MOST people desired to enter into their new potential lifetime relationships with judicious care.  Seriously, who really thinks beginning a new relationship with all of their hefty, ragged, beat up baggage in tow is a good idea?  

Apparently, unlike myself, many men must believe that a date must somehow enjoy the  responsibility of helping them work through their past hurts and hang-ups.  If you recall from my very first post (The Decision), I purposefully chose to wait at least a year following my husband's death to start dating.  And when I mention in that post that past life experiences, grief support and watching friends aided me in making that all important decision...the implication (and reality) is that I actually spent time and effort working through the issues by seeing a counselor, attending grief support meetings, as well as, asking trusted friends and family members to point out areas that they perceived needed attention.  Problems don't just resolve on their own.  If you had ever willed and caused a leaky faucet and/or broken internet connection and/or any other variety of breaks in life to just take care of themselves then I would already have heard about it because you would be rich and famous for doing something that has never been done before!  It takes dedicated thought, reflection, introspection, spiritual guidance from God's Word and others, as well as time, to unload, repair and spruce up that baggage brought on by our past.

Because I have made the effort to allow people in my life (OTHER THAN my dates!) to guide me toward healing and seek out resources to aid in healing, I kind-of would like to date someone who has also been serious about working through their hurts.  Is that too much to ask?

It really becomes emotionally exhausting for me to always be expected to play the part of The Therapist while on a date.  

Keep in mind that a large part of the work I do as a nurse is spent listening to people's hurts and woes.  For me, listening to my patient's stories is an incredible, scared trust that I find to be an immensely gratifying aspect of my role as a nurse.  I am, quite honestly, very accustomed to hearing intimate details of a stranger's (think, new patient) life and am rarely shocked at any story I'm told (and if I am caught off guard, I know how to NOT show it on my face).

Maybe it is because I AM such a good listener (I've been told on numerous dates) that I have been entrusted with a big variety of stories that many dates have told me about their lives.  On more than one occasion, I have been told by a date, "I can't believe I am telling you this...I have never told anyone this before."  While it is somewhat flattering (I think?) to be thought of as a good listener (for anyone who knows how much I like to talk, you will understand how hard I have worked to achieve this level of success) for a date, where I am looking at the person in front of me as a potential marriage partner (that is the reason I am dating after all), I want someone who has at least made an effort to work through their pasts and presents (as the case may be for some) on their own prior to dating.  I really don't want to spend my life (or even just my dates) playing the roll of The Therapist.  

At one point, I remember telling my sister, "Well, at least I get a dinner as payment for the time spent being The Therapist."  But it quickly dawned on me, if that is my payment, then I am probably the least paid therapist ever!  So far, no gentleman has not spent more than fifty dollars (but usually about $30 and several dates spent far less--less than $5) on MY portion of the date and, with the exception of one date that lasted less than 30 minutes (but told me enough that I could write an entire post about!), most of the dates have lasted at least one and a half to two hours.  So if you divide what was spent by the hours I spent being The Therapist, well, no, it really is NOT worth it.  

Now, if I can just figure out how to recognize the men (before I go out) who have already unloaded the worst of their baggage and don't need ME to be The Therapist. 

Psalm 34:6

New Living Translation (NLT)

In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
    he saved me from all my troubles. 

The Surgeon (continued)

On the Saturday after Graduation, I woke up and realized that I had agreed to CALL The Surgeon that morning.  I HATE making phone calls!  I waited a few hours to see if maybe he would actually call me (but that wasn't the agreement, so I was not holding out hope that he would call) and when I had not heard from him by 11 am, I mustered up all the courage I could and placed the call to the number he had given me when we talked last (Tuesday evening).

I dialed the number and the phone rang.  And rang.  And rang. And then went to voicemail.  I HATE leaving messages even more than I hate dialing a number.  I am really just not able to be concise when leaving a voicemail (kind of like how I am when writing a blog, or talking to a friend, or giving instructions to patients, or....anything else that involves using words).  So I leave my usual rambling message that includes who I am, why I am calling, my number, when I will be available to take a call, etc.  I hang up and decide not to focus on why he is not taking my call after he had asked me to call him.

A few hours pass and I got a text.  It was from The Surgeon!  He told me that he was between emergent surgeries and had just listened to my voicemail.  He stated his observation that my phone number was from a rural town outside of the major Midwest city that he lives in.  He wanted to know if I really lived there.  I send back a text saying that I do indeed live in the rural town, and that I am very used to driving into the major Midwest city.  In fact, I say, I drive there several times per week, it is not a big deal to me.  After a few minutes, I get a reply.  What The Surgeon says in the reply astounds me.  I have to read it several times to actually take it all in....to really grasp the implications of what he is saying.

The text I read was as follows:  I'll have to pass on the date because I need to try and develop a relationship with someone near to where I live.  I am always on call and need to be 20 mins from my hospital for surgical availability.  I told the date company this specifically and this scenario happened once before with a match who lived an hour southeast of where I live.  I'm not clear why the company did not keep this parameter in consideration.  Sorry for the mix up.  Best wishes!

After reading and re-reading the text I realized that the possibilities of dating The Surgeon had just  vanished into thin air.  I had to mentally return all the items I had already imagined I would purchase with half a million dollars a year.  I had to come back from those fanciful and fabulous vacations that would never happen.  Just being honest here!  I also felt it necessary to remind God that He would be on his own for the $50,000.00+ dollars of tithe per year that I would be unable to give in the future. Quite honestly, I DO think God laughed in that moment.  I mean really gave a BIG belly laugh as He shook His head ever so slightly at the foolishness of my thoughts.  As though, I would have the audacity to think He (GOD) needed MY (or The Surgeon's or anyone else's) money!  Really!?!

So two weeks after I was first told about the possibility of a date with The Surgeon (which was also ten days before Christmas and one day after graduation, but who's counting?), all the excitement that I had felt about having a date with someone that I might actually have a chance of building a relationship with ebbed away.  Someone who met many of the criteria I was looking for in a date (handsome, 6 foot tall, gentleman, has hair and a professional) was clearly outside of my reach as I did not meet a vitally important parameter for him.

I was bummed.  It has taken a little time to mentally re-adjust my thoughts.  How very easily I can move ahead of myself with my hopes and dreams.  So, writing about The Surgeon has been (painfully) slow as I have been licking the wounds that I alone created by jumping ahead of myself and more importantly, God.  God has taught me so many valuable lessons through this.  Rather than share all the lessons He is teaching me at once (after all it is not your fault that I have gotten myself in this quagmire), I will leave you with two scriptures that have come to mind over the past few weeks.

No explanation needed as to what God was telling me with this scripture:

Pride is the first step toward destruction. Proud thoughts will lead you to defeat.

Proverbs 16:18 (ERV)

Ouch!

While God's Word does speak for itself, what God reminded me when I read the next verses is that He (God) owns it ALL.  He doesn't NEED what I think I have to offer Him.  It is already His!  On the contrary, He is ready, willing and able to provide ALL I need.  He really is a good God!

He is the God who made the world and everything in it.  Since He is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn't live in man-made temples, and human hands can't serve His needs--for He has no needs.  He Himself gave life and breath to everything, and He satisfies every need.  Acts 17:24-25 (NIV)

My prayer:  God, teach me to rely on you.  Help me to trust you to provide all I need: materially, emotionally, relationally and spiritually.  Help me to find my satisfaction in you.  Help me not jump ahead in my thoughts, choosing thoughts of pride for what I can imagine may be mine over thoughts of You--the absolutely greatest treasure.  You are all I need!

The Surgeon

So, the Matchmaking Service told me that The Surgeon would be calling me near the end of the week.  In case you have forgotten where this fits in the dating timeline you may need to revisit Two Matches and Googling a Date.  I know I had go back and read them in order to see where I had left off in this long convoluted story that I have taken WAY to long to finish.  At the end of the blog series about "The Surgeon" you will have an idea of why I have put off finishing this particular blog!  I can't seem to live life and write at the same time, which is probably why I should not try to write a blog as it is happening.  But, I digress.  Let's get back to the topic at hand, The Surgeon.

So, I learn about the match with The Surgeon on Monday following my last day of class and am told he will be calling sometime by the end of the week.  So I wait.  And google him.  And wait. And wait some more.  That had to be one of the LONGEST week of my life.  So, on Saturday morning, which is exactly FIVE days from when I first learned about the match with The Surgeon, my mind began trying to come up with some logical explanations for why he had not called me yet.

Some (I'm not going to list them all!) of the reason I came up with that may have prevented The Surgeon from calling were:  1) The Matchmaking Service forgot to give him my number,  or 2) The Matchmaking Service gave him my number but they gave the wrong number OR he wrote it down wrong (and now he was having a date with another fifty year old Widow, who was pleasantly surprised at her good fortune), or MAYBE 3) He was on an exotic vacation on Bora Bora Island and  he was coming back the following week and I would get to hear all about it (I have a crazy, fun, out-of-the-box kind of imagination, in case you have not noticed by now), or realistically, maybe 4) He had several 12-18 hour surgeries during the week and he was just plain exhausted (I know I would have been), or sadly, maybe 5) He had changed his mind about going out with me even though he had not even met me yet (oh, but let's not think that!).

So it dawned on me that I needed to call the Matchmaking Service to see what was going on.  Because, the Lord knows that my life is quickly flying by and every day that I wait to hear from a date is another day that I am in limbo waiting for my handsome prince.  But, if you recall (from Two Matches blog) I despise having to make phone calls, so I decided that maybe "the end of the week" meant by late Sunday evening (although that did not make sense as Sunday is the first day of the week--but, alas,  that is what my procrastinating mind does to me--keeps rationalizing a reason not to make a call).  So I decided I would call on Monday morning (I know, I know. Procrastination at it's finest!) if I haven't heard from him by Saturday evening.

As I am working through all the possible scenarios and thinking of reasons to procrastinate, the phone rings.  It's.....NOT The Surgeon.  BUT, it IS the Matchmaking Service (I do think they can read my mind at times) and I offer a quick, Thank-you, God (I don't have to make the call)!  So the Matchmaker told me that he had not been able to get in touch with the Forklift Driver.  Oh, wow!  I had already forgotten all about him, poor guy!  But, the Matchmaker went on to say, I guess you have talked to The Surgeon and have a date planned.  After a brief stunned silence, I replied that I had not heard from him.  Then the Matchmaker has his moment of stunned silence and says that he had called The Surgeon and left my number on his voicemail on Monday right after he talked to me.  He assured me that he would call The Surgeon, again, and leave a message, again.  He said to give The Surgeon until the end of the coming week to call.  AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!  Another WEEK!  I was pretty sure I would die before then, but I decided maybe I should try and hold out for his call.

 So, my way out-of-town family (that I only see a few times a year) came up to visit me to celebrate my graduation (explained in A Delay) which would be at the end of my now, busy and exciting week.  I began wondering if it would be rude to ask my family to excuse me for an evening in the event The Surgeon called BEFORE the end of the week and wanted to have a date some time before they left.  I really couldn't decide what to do, but I leaned toward going on a date even with them here.  I know, I'm bad.

So, on Tuesday afternoon, I got a call from a "No Caller ID" number (something that I knew physicians always do).  I took the call and it WAS the Surgeon!  I tried my best to sound nice and relaxed (not sure how I really sounded).  He apologized for not calling me the week before, but he said he wasn't sure what happened but he didn't get a message from the Matchmaker Service the week before and then he was out of town over the week-end (when they called back) looking at another major city that he was considering relocating his business to this coming summer.  Hummm, I wasn't sure what to think about that.  While it was easy to carry on a conversation with him, he was so soft spoken so that I felt like I kept having to say, "What?" "Pardon?" "Can you repeat that?"  I HATE when I have to do that!  But I hate it even more when I don't know what they just said, so I pressed on.  We talked for about 8 minutes.  He asked me where I grew up.  How do people always know I didn't grow up in the Midwest?  My Southern accent isn't that obvious, is it?  Ha.  Don't answer that!  As it turned out he grew up here in the Midwest but lived in most of the major cities of the state I grew up in while he was in medical school and in his residency programs (something that confirmed that the Surgeon I googled was indeed the one I was now talking with) but it seemed we were not in any of the same cities at the same time.

So, after the light chit-chat, we decided that I should call him on Saturday after my graduation was over and we would schedule a date then.  Good.  Now I could just relax and get through the graduation with my family AND keep dreaming of the date that I would soon have with The Surgeon.    

Proverbs 13:12 

The Message (MSG)

Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick,
    but a sudden good break can turn life around.

If I could, I would insert a satisfied smile and a quiet sigh, right here.

Googling a date

So I learned about two potential dates on Monday (see Two Matches).  I must admit, I promptly forgot that the fork lift driver would now be given the option of going out with me since I had agreed to accept him as a date.  My entire focus was now on the unbelievably exciting possibility of having even a single date with a Cardiothoracic Surgeon.  I was giddy with excitement.

The thought occurred to me that just because he was a surgeon, who was (I might add) 6 foot tall, did not guarantee he would be good looking OR nice.  How could I learn more about him prior to his call?  I then remembered that Google can be used to find a personal physician, so why not use Google to find out more about a potential date?  I inputted the info that I had for the Surgeon.  His first name, his speciality and the Mid-West city he was from (that is closest to my rural town).  Really, how many Cardiothoracic Surgeons with his first name and who were his age could there be in that Mid-West city? After entering the information into Google search and pressing enter, a list of surgeons appeared on the screen.  I began reading down the list of first names.  Charles, no.  Sam, no.  Christy, obviously, no.  On down the list I go.  Then suddenly, there was HIS first name.  I clicked on the hyperlink that took me to a page on a hospital website that highlighted him as a Cardiothoracic Surgeon associated with them.  I quickly looked to see when he had finished medical school since I knew that would give me an idea of how old he was.  You can't go by the pictures to guesstimate an age, I've learned through the years, as the hospitals do not always update physicians' photos.  I guess someone out there thinks that physicians never age.  Ha.

The date he graduated from med school fit with the age that the Matchmaking Service had given me.  Wow.  I was impressed.  He was VERY nice looking and appeared almost shy in the way he smiled.  I was pretty sure I was going to like him!  After staring into his blue eyes for a few minutes (maybe longer, but who was keeping track?) and a few sighs later,  I decided to show the picture to my daughter.  "So do you think he's handsome?" she asks.  I reply with an emphatic "YES."  The first thing she takes note of is the hospital he is associated with.  They have a very competitive training program (they only take 10 students per year) that she had been hoping to get into one day down the road and it dawns on her that if HE recommended her, she would surely get in.  So she says, "Mom, I think he might be the one!"

So, I kept his picture handy and periodically referred to it (confident that the picture was actually the potential date) as I was now waiting for the expected phone call at the end of the week.  I also began to rationalize how if I was married to him (see how quickly things get out of hand in my world), we could tithe and we would be able to give well over $50K dollars per year to the church.  I was sure that God would want that and would be pleased if I could bring him on board.  I began telling all my friends about how hopeful I was.

As I spend days considering what could be done (tithing, giving, helping others and admittedly, thinking of spending on self) with half a million a year, I was reminded by God that all wealth comes from him.  I did not need a man to provide what I wanted as my Father in heaven is the owner of all things.

This verse is a prayer that David is praying to God after many people so generously gave to the building of the temple:

1 Chronicles 29:14

New International Version (NIV)

“But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand.

Two Matches

The matchmaking service that I joined early on in the dating process (see Another Way post) had been slow in scheduling dates.  They were supposed to provide a match every 4 weeks.  At one point (after my last day of class for the last class of my Master's program) it dawned on me that it had been 6 (SIX) weeks since they had called me with a match (in reality I had not noticed this before because I was busy finding my own dates online and finishing up coursework).  I paid way too much money for this service to not have a steady stream of matches coming my way.

So on Monday after the final class was complete, and just as I was contemplating what I was going to say to the Matchmaking service when I called them (anyone who knows me very well knows that making a phone call is a task that I will procrastinate doing for much too long!), my phone rang.  It was the Matchmaking service.  YES!

They told me that they had TWO matches for me.  Apparently they had been reading my mind that they  were slacking and were trying to pick up the slack.  Finally, a new date.  With all of my input on the past dates, I was really hopeful that these matches would BOTH be SO fantastic that I would have a hard time choosing which one to pursue.

I was told the name of the first date and then the biographical sketch followed.   WERE THEY KIDDING ME?!?  The Matchmaker said, "He's a forklift driver."  Quite honestly, after he told me  that I did NOT hear another thing he said.  But as I ALWAYS do, I said a polite, "Ok, I accept."  I do this, because the one time that I refused a date (a man that was only separated and not yet divorced--a situation that I DO NOT accept!), it took weeks and weeks for them to find me another match.  So I just bit the bullet and decided to take my chances (since there is not anything immoral about driving a forklift, why not?).  Maybe he was really a nice guy.  How bad could one date be?  So after accepting the date, the Matchmaker said the routine, "I'll call him to see if he will accept the match as well and if he does I will give him your number."

Then the Matchmaker said, the second match we have for you is [I'm not giving his name out for privacy reasons].  He is a (this is how they said it) heart and lung surgeon.  Oh WOW!?! Once again, I almost didn't hear another word the Matchmaker told me and this was not because I was upset.  I absolutely could not believe it!  A cardio-thoracic surgeon, really?  Do you know how much they make in a year?  About half-a-million a year!  Immediately, I start jotting down his statistics so I can figure out what we may have in common to strike up a conversation about should this dream really become a reality.  So then the Matchmaker asks the silliest question of ALL...."Do you accept this match?"  Was he kidding?  Does anyone really say, "No.  I really would rather not take the chance that a surgeon who makes half-a-million a year might fall for me?"

I tried not to sound TOO enthusiastic as I said, "Well, sure, I'll take him as well."  The matchmaker then changes his usual last statement.  He says.  "Good.  I have already talked to him and he has already accepted you as a match." Oh wow, oh wow.  How cool is that?!?  The Matchmaker followed that statement with, "I will call him and leave your number on his messaging service and you should expect to hear from him around the end of the week."  So, this was Monday.  How many days would I  have to wait until "the end of the week?"

The Actor (Act 3)

As unbelievable as it may seem, I allowed myself one more encounter with The Actor.  I know.  After all those compliments from my readers telling how great it was that I saw right through this guy, I knew I had to fess up and tell how I fell for his antics one more time.  He was such a good...well, actor!

A week after The Actor originally got "sick" he sent me the following text:  [Just so you know, I keep ALL of my texts except ONE that I HAD to delete.  It was x-rated and NO, sadly, I didn't mean to spell 'an x-ray.' it was bad!  I'll probably not blog about that one, whew, it is one I hope to forget. Anyway, I'm sure my phone will get too full someday, but I will certainly delete other stuff first.  Some of the things these guys text are just so unbelievably funny! LOL].  Ok back to the text he sent.  I'll do some screenshots so I don't have to type it all out.

Now, you can see how funny he was.  He's bantering with me about The Professional (a previous blog) that I told him about on that initial and only date so far.

[One thing that I find very amusing about online dating, is that it never fails, when you are on a date with another online dater you both seem to have a interest in each other's previous, funny online date stories.  I always have a new, current story to tell and I have heard some real doozies as well!]

 So naturally,  I can't help but be drawn into the conversation.  I'm easy.  I know.  So the conversation continues:

Ok, so now he is back to suggesting the very first idea he had for a date even before the $25 tickets to the musical.  Let me recap.  We met at the McD's on a Monday and talked about going out again on Friday (pending my decision to go out or not).  I texted him that evening saying that I would be willing to go out with him on Friday.  He sent me an email later that night saying, he thought Friday was a long way off, and if I wanted to or could, here were a few other ideas for earlier in the week.  One of the ideas was this Phoenix Jazz Club.  I remember that he mentioned it was inexpensive (now this was before I knew he was going to ask me if I was paying or was I expecting him to pay--see Act 2 blog).  I do remember thinking it was odd that he was placing a value on the cost of the date, but just thought he was trying to say....ok, I really don't know what I thought he was trying to say.  LOL  I just do remember thinking it was kind of odd.  But, I digress.  I did note they had a vegetarian option on their menu that could easily be made vegan, so I WAS impressed with the place regardless of the prices on the menu.  It just seemed like a place with a nice atmosphere.  Something I would really enjoy.  So now, you can see from the text that I did agree to go.  

To put this conversation into a timeline.  This text conversation is occurring on a Wednesday.  We have made plans for the following Tuesday which is 6 days away.  He does complete the text conversation by saying he will touch base with me on Monday to work out the details.   

Now let me just say, it does occur to me after I commit to this date that I probably should NOT have fallen for The Actor's plan so easily.  I do clearly remember thinking that I should have at least said, "Let me think about it," and then I should have done something really smart and called someone for wise counsel, like my sister, who would offer me many good reasons why I should not let this guy waltz right back into my life AND she ALWAYS seems to know how to guide me in just how to "say" something in a kind, diplomatic way to get out of these types of messes.  See why it would have been a wise choice to call her.  [She really could make a living doing something like that.  Not sure what you would call a job like that, though.  On second thought maybe I don't want her to do that for a living.  There are a lot of jams that I do seem to get into that would end up costing me a fortune to get out of.  I wonder if I would call her more or less often if I had to pay for the advice? Although, sister (if you are reading this), your advice IS worth whatever you might choose to charge.  I better stop before I start losing ground here! Love you, sis.]  And I actually think about how smart that would be....but I also think, "If I tell my sister about this conversation, she would surely tell me 'DON'T DO IT,'" Quite frankly, I really didn't want to hear that.  So I rationalize, if I don't ask for her advice, I can't ever feel guilty that someone "told me so" when (not if) this turns out badly.  

So, I don't text or talk to The Actor from Wednesday evening until I get a text from him on Monday.  You can see what he said at the bottom of the screen:

                                                                               
So, it is Monday.  We are to touch base to make final plans for our date on Tuesday.  I like that he is going to call and talk to work out the details vs the endless texts.

So sometime after 7-ish he calls.  And you will NOT believe what he tells me.  No, he is not sick again.  BUT, he does tell me that at around the same time as he had a first meeting with me, he also had a first meeting with another lady.  He didn't realize (last week apparently, when he was texting me!) that they were going to really hit it off and so he was going to "see where it goes" with her.  She did live closer to him so it would be more convenient for them to get together.  He did say, he really hoped he was not making a mistake by not seeing if we would have been a good fit, because anyone who laughed as much as I did would sure have been fun to date, blah, blah, blah.  He had NO idea how VERY happy he had just made me at that moment!  Now, I would not have to worry about being sucked into his craziness and wily ways, if I did end up liking him.  I really do believe God was watching over me.  Taking care of me, even when I was not listening to his still, small SHOUT (which is what I believe that whole conversation I chose not to have with someone who could offer me perspective, wisdom and encouragement was).

As SO often happens, ok, let me rephrase that, as God is so faithful to do...my pastor's message was about this VERY subject!  The subject of when you don't know what to do (idk?), you should have people in your life that will speak God's wisdom and truth into your life to help you do what is right.  My Pastor also had the audacity to address the very issue of why I, at times, don't ask others for advice...it's because...I know what they will tell me and, quite frankly, I don't want to hear it!  How does my pastor DO that?  How does he seem to know what is going on in MY life, MY thoughts?  Hummm.  I am absolutely certain it is the Holy Spirit speaking God's truths to me through Godly people (like my pastor and my sister and others) in my life.   Thank you to those of you who are so very willing to speak God's truth to me in love.  I need you, even if sometimes I ACT like I don't.

Proverbs 15:22

New International Version (NIV)

Plans fail for lack of counsel,

    but with many advisers they succeed.    

To hear the awe-inspiring sermon on listening to wise counsel when idk? You can go to Heart of Life, my church's website, and look under media for the second sermon (11/17/13) in the "idk?" series.  Enjoy!

It just occurred to me that I have referenced this sermon series twice and there were just two sermons up to this point in my adventures....apparently, God is up to something good in my life as it relates to decision-making.

The Actor (Act 2)

So, on Monday, I made a decision to have a subsequent date with the Actor (see previous post) and I let him know.  He originally suggested Friday night and I agreed.  Later that evening, he sent an email saying that Friday seemed a long way off, and would I be able to go out a little sooner?  He mentioned the possibility of two places including two dates and times.  While both of the restaurants looked inviting, I had a huge school project that I needed to complete before class on Thursday evening and just couldn't make any plans for sooner than Friday.  He emailed back that he understood and would plan a date for Friday.

On Wednesday, the Actor texted me saying he wanted to talk to me whenever it was convenient.  I took a break from my studies and called him.  He told me he had something he wanted to tell me and then something he wanted to ask.  The Actor said he wanted to make me aware of the fact that he was developing cold-like symptoms and just wanted me to know in the event that the symptoms got worse, he didn't want to have to call me at the last minute and I be shocked that we couldn't go out.  I told him I appreciated his concern and hoped that the cold didn't progress into anything that would keep us from enjoying a second date, but would understand if things changed and he couldn't go out.

The Actor then said he hated to even ask me his question owing to the fact that I had made it very clear that I was a true Southern lady who doesn't even mow her own lawn (an entertaining and interesting story I will have to share with you, my blog readers, at some point), but he was going to ask anyway.  Now, when someone makes that much effort to preface their question, you know you are probably not going to like the question, but for the life of me I couldn't imagine what he was going to ask.  So he stumbled and stuttered out his question.  "Are we going to each pay our own way on this date, or were you expecting me to pay it all?"  Let me just say, I am pretty sure my stunned silence answered his question, but I could tell he was not going to let me get by without verbally answering.  So.  I slowly answered his question with the statement, "ALL of the other men I have been out with have always paid for the dates.  I really haven't ever considered that I would pay for a DATE."

Now, what is running through my mind at lightening speed were some of the following thoughts:  I had just had a discussion with my 16 year old daughter prior to her first date with a 16 year old young man that she should expect that her date values her enough to pay her way when they go out.  What on earth would give this 62 year old man that I met on a DATING website the impression that I would in any way think that we were "just friends" each paying our own way?  Even when I go out with friends, one or the other of us often picks up the entire tab.  WOW!  This was different, new and crazy.

At the same time I am having these confusing thoughts, I realize that he is telling me something.  Giving me an explanation for his crazy question, I realize.  Here is what I caught of what he was saying.  "I didn't think you would expect anything other than for me to pay, I just wanted to make sure I had budgeted enough money for the event I was planning for us on Friday."  Really?!?, I'm thinking.  A man who drives a BMW, owns a Moto Guzzi and had just a few days prior told me that he was flying his granddaughters up from Texas to go to a Chief's game one week-end, and that he had received this windfall from his motorcycle settlement for pain and suffering would need to budget for a date that he had already invited me on and was in charge of what the date would cost?  Really?!?  Just to be clear, I ALWAYS make it known to potential dates that a visit to the FREE art museum in the city closest to me (less than a few miles from where the Actor lives) is a GREAT option for a first (or subsequent) date to me.  Meandering around a museum with art is seriously my idea of a really fun date.  So if he was worried about his finances, he certainly could have impressed me with a date that cost him NOTHING and saved us both the awkward moment.  

Apparently, the Actor was thinking about getting tickets to a musical that was in town that had received rave reviews.  But the tickets were....get this....$25 a piece.  Oh my!  And he needed to budget for them if he was going to have to pay for them both.  He mumbled something about how some women insist on paying their own way and he didn't want to offend me if I was one of those women (never mind he offended my Southern roots by asking if I was expecting him to pay).   It was at that moment when it occurred to me that he really didn't have any intention of taking me on this date.  He had covered his bases by informing me that he had a "cold."  A situation that could get better or worse depending on if I were willing to pay my way or not.  Now that was a clever trick, but not in a way that was positive toward winning over a date.

So we ended the conversation with him saying that he would keep me informed about his "cold" and would let me know how things were going closer to the date on Friday.  I went ahead and took him off the calendar for Friday, in the event someone else contacted me and wanted to know a day that I was available.  And sure enough, through text over the next two days, he got amazingly sicker and sicker to the point that he was sure he had the flu.  Being the nurse that I am, and also enjoying making people "work" to weasel out of a situation, I texted him with advice on how to shorten the course of "flu" by encouraging him to see his Primary Care Provider to be tested for the flu and get an anti-viral as soon as possible.  I also offered to bring him some soup (he had given me his address to give to family so I would feel "safe" on a date with him) that he declined as he didn't want me to catch what he had.  An excuse that was quite funny to me, considering that I live in the land of "cooties" as patients literally bring me their illnesses daily.  I'm quite immune.  

Late Thursday, after I kept texting asking how he was off and on through the day, he sent a final text that said he would text me when he was "back to normal." I chuckled as I realized that he was much too far away from "normal" to ever find his way "back."

Proverbs 10:23

A fool finds pleasure in wicked schemes, but a person of understanding delights in wisdom.